Posts Tagged "relationships"

Not now dear, I’m blogging!

Posted by cafebebemama on Sep 22, 2011 in Blogging, Motherhood | 18 comments

Recently a new blogging friend of mine, Mammasaurus Blog, wrote about how blogging affects your relationships. Mammasaurus has only been blogging for a few months now but it is already starting to take over valuable time in her personal life. As I was reading Mamma’s post at 4:45 this morning whilst in the bathroom as I couldn’t get back to sleep (sign number one that you have a problem), I began writing this post in my head (sign number two that you have a problem).

I can totally relate to the issues Mammasaurus and many other newbie bloggers are facing at the moment. I remember, about 18 months ago, as I was trying to scramble my way up the blogging ladder, that I began to let blogging (and all that comes with it) take over. It began innocently enough with spending an hour here and there working on posts, blog design, Facebook, Twitter. Then I began to get sucked in. An hour here and there turned into 3-4 hours in the evening with the laptop on my lap and me on the couch next to Mark tappity-tap-tapping away. Someone, justifiably so, began to get a bit fed up. It wasn’t me…it wasn’t Ella…it was Mark. “Not now dear, I’m blogging” didn’t go down very well with him.

Mark doesn’t read my blog. Ever. Never. He says it’s “what you do”…it’s my “work” so he doesn’t feel the need to stick his nose into my work. Plus he isn’t very inclined to do anything other than his work (and only AT work) on his laptop. He doesn’t like the internet/email; doesn’t understand social media; wouldn’t know a tweet from a twat. In fact, he has probably grown to despise all things “virtual” because of my blogging and all that comes with it. He understands a bit better now, why it is so important to me, in part because I have been able to turn my “hobby” into paid freelance work. He does not, however, understand why I get so worked up about it all.

After I had been blogging for about 9 months, I had the opportunity to have some Life Coaching from the delightful Peggy Poyser. She was helping me to realise some of my freelance dreams but we also talked about how, perhaps, blogging was starting to take too dominant a role in my life and affect my relationship with my husband. Peggy helped me to see that I needed to STEP AWAY FROM THE LAPTOP and take time for my family. I listened. I learned. I stopped making the blog more important than it needed to be and got back to living the life that gave me my subject material.

I suppose, in part, because I am naturally a very competitive person, I wanted to give blogging my all to see where it could take me. But it also became unhealthy for my family and for me personally as I dipped into a rather dark hole just over a year ago. It was time to step back, smell the roses and reassess. I’d like to give all of you newbie bloggers a bit of advice to help you maintain harmony and sanity in your homes. If you find yourself regularly pushing your husband away and reaching for the laptop/smartphone/iPad/notebook, you may want to take these tips under advisement:

• If you can do your blogging during the day (in between naptime, housework, school runs, etc) then do it! Set aside one or two mornings a week to write a few posts, store them in draft form and/or schedule them for posting during the week. Your blog will not be neglected and you can get on with the rest of your day and be the mum, wife, woman you want to be!
• If Twitter is a lifeline for you, utlise your smartphone to keep in contact during the day but when you have time to sit down at the laptop, a platform like Tweetdeck and/or Hootsuite is very effective in keeping all of your “ducks” in a row and allowing you to monitor your social media presence. You can also schedule tweets through Tweetdeck which allows you to “tweet” while not tweeting, if you see what I mean. Keep in mind that the world will NOT, in fact, stop spinning if you miss a few hours of Twitter.
• If you need to do most of your blogging in the evening after the kids are in bed, talk to your partner about it. Work out an agreement that you’ll take 2 (maybe 3) nights during the week where you will be working on your laptop/computer for X amount of hours. He can watch motorsport/war documentaries/Match of the Day while you write posts, comment, read other blogs, Tweet and FB and distract yourself from the drone of whizzing engines on the telly. Perhaps agree that Saturday or Sunday mornings are going to be your “lie-in” mornings. You can prop yourself up in bed with the laptop and a cuppa while he takes charge of the kids and blog to your heart’s content. Then shut the laptop and walk away from it all. Enjoy family time and forget, for a few hours, that you ever started a blog.
• Try not to think of every moment/occurrance/photo as a blog post. This is tricky. Once you get in the “game”, you tend to look at everything as the perfect blogging opportunity. You might even find yourself itching to get back to the laptop to write it all down or download the 87 pictures you just took. Let life get on. If there’s a blog post in it, write it down in a wee notebook and come back to it later. If there really is something worth writing about, it will still be there when you get to the laptop. The photos in your camera/smartphone will still be there when you get home. You aren’t getting paid to fulfill a deadline…in fact, most of us aren’t getting paid at all so don’t live and die by your blog.
• Think about it for a minute: if you are offline for ONE week, what is the worst thing that will happen to your blog? Well, your traffic will dip a bit, your Klout score might go down a bit, you COULD lose a subscriber or two (because they’re daft obviously…who stops reading a blog if you’re gone for a week??). No one is going to hate you and no one is going to take your blog away from you. In fact, you may come back a healthier and happier blogger because you haven’t been a slave to it all! Be reasonable about the amount of time that you are spending on your blog. What’s more important, REALLY?? Get out there, live your life, be a wonderful mum and partner. The rest all falls into place as a result.

I am, by no means, perfect myself. And, in no way, shape or form, am I telling you how to blog! I’m just offering newbie bloggers a bit of advice from someone who’s “been there, done that and written a blog post about it.” I can still find myself getting wrapped up in the “blog race” too. But when I took one week away from the blog (mind you, I organised glorious guest posts in my absence so the blog wouldn’t be lonely) my traffic remained fairly good and consistent and nothing fell apart. Everything was where I left it when I got back. That helped me to see that perhaps I don’t always need to be so tied to my laptop/smartphone. Perhaps it’s better if I just take a few moments to STEP AWAY FROM THE LAPTOP and get on with life?

Relationship SOS Challenge

Posted by cafebebemama on Aug 1, 2011 in Blogging, Motherhood | 3 comments

Do you ever feel like your relationship is a bit like this beach…a bit bleak and lacking in WAVES?! Do you find that you’ve become complacent in your house? Do you sit on opposite couches, after the kids are in bed and stare blankly at the television without talking? Or worse yet, are you on one laptop blogging and Tweeting while your other half is watching telly/on the iPad/snoring? Or even worse still, are you in the opposite rooms of the house and text/email/Tweet each other if you want/need something? Is the word “date” a four letter word and/or something you eat?

Thankfully, the Cafe Bebe house is not entirely like this BUT it has been AT LEAST 6 months since the last time Mark and I went on a date. I say AT LEAST as I truly can’t remember WHEN our last date was. I do remember that we went to a really lovely curry restaurant in the village next to ours but when…no clue! Now Mark and I have a very good relationship. 6 years after meeting, falling in love and moving continents, we still LIKE each other, enjoy spending time together, kiss (etc…) and are happier now than in the early days. Yes, our life is completely different and sometimes stressful and frustrating but ultimately we’re totally committed to each other and to our marriage.

Our relationship isn’t perfect by any means and I know that we can both admit that there are times when we do each other’s heads in. We get cross with each other, I stomp, he stops talking, we get over it. Life carries on and life is good. But I worry, particularly since having children, that we don’t take enough time for US as a couple. We have slipped into the role of Mummy and Daddy very easily (we even call each other Mummy & Daddy more than we probably should) and we give everything we have to being a family. But what about being Mark and Karin? What about time for us to focus on us and not worry about being Mummy & Daddy? That’s in short supply, for sure!

And I know I’m not alone. Last week I did a quick poll on Twitter asking when was the last time you went on a date with your other half. One response was promising…two weeks ago! Most responses were just like mine…”can’t remember”, “six months ago”, “2 years ago”. And by “date”, I mean going somewhere/doing something that does not involve the children. We must change this! Relationship SOS to the rescue!

I’m challenging you, that’s right, YOU! It’s August 1st today. You have 31 days to make arrangements for and go on AT LEAST ONE date with your other half. It doesn’t have to be big, clever or uber-romantic. It just has to be OUT with your other half…the two of you…ALONE together. You could do something as simple as have the inlaws babysit for a few hours and you two go to the pub for a drink/snack. Or you could push the boat out and go to dinner, go golfing, go sailing, go dancing. Or, if like many, you don’t have resources for babysitters, put the kids to bed, have a picnic dinner on the floor of the lounge with the telly OFF and just TALK. Simples.

I’m going to provide a linky at the bottom of this post. This linky is for you to COMMIT to joining the Relationship SOS Challenge. Write up a post this week telling us about you and your other half and a bit about your relationship (keep it clean sister). Tell us the last time you went on a date with your other half and WHY you need to commit to this challenge. Then, at the end of the month I will put up another post/linky where you can report back on your success! This first month it will be up to YOU to organise, plan and orchestrate the date. Next month, challenge your other half to do the same. After all, you both have to WORK to keep your relationship alive.

So, who’s with me?! Isn’t it time to put a bit of magic back in your relationship? Or at least talk to your other half without the telly going and the kids running around you? Ready, steady, SOS!

Motherhood A-Z

Posted by cafebebemama on Aug 2, 2009 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Motherhood A-Z

Skills you need to acquire to make Mummyhood a bit easier

A- Advice… Be prepared to take some, ignore some and avoid some. I recommend staying far, far away from Gina Ford but that’s just me! I may be an OCD organiser but Gina Ford and my daughter do not go together.

B- Boobies/Bottles… Make a choice for feeding and give it a go. DO NOT feel guilty about not doing one or the other. You do what’s best for YOU and your BABY! Educate yourself either way. There’s a great post today on Being a Mummy and several at OMG, We’re Pregnant. Be informed, make a decision and be proud of it.

C-Cook… I highly recommend getting our your saucepans, ice cube trays and hand-held blenders because cooking for your baby (when you get to that six month stage) is fulfilling, cheaper and a great test of your skills. I was so proud to make our first purées! And Little Miss, thankfully, lapped it up. She’s always been a good eater and for that I am very grateful. It is a bit devastating when your child spits out your greatest creations (I made the loveliest Cottage Pies with tiny mash on top and Little Miss summarily refused it!) but you KNOW what’s going into his/her tummy and you can be proud that YOU made it yourself. There are great resources out there like Annabel Karmel who will guide you through the mine field. If you do have to resort to baby ready meals/jar food, aim for the best your budget will offer you. It’s a heck of a lot cheaper to make your own but sometimes you just have to go with convenience! Think of your child as the empty slate that they are and start them off with the best you can offer. They’ll thank you for it years from now!

D- Discipline… This is not the “smacking” kind of discipline. It’s the “I want my child to know right from wrong, be polite and well-mannered and be confident and happy” kind of discipline. Personally, we’re big followers of “Supernanny” Jo Frost in our household and are trying to set Little Miss off on the right foot from the beginning. We’re having a bit of trouble with frustration on Little Miss’ part…rearing its ugly head by smacking! My 13-month old! Smacking her Momma! But we’re dealing with it in a rational and calm way as we are not a “smacking” family. Discuss with your significant other, what you are going to do WHEN… You might be surprised what your other half considers important or not. But whatever you decide, be consistent. Never let them see you sweat and fully support your other half (and he you) particularly in front of the children. Again, don’t do what’s trendy, do what works for your family to create a loving family environment where your child can thrive.

E- Expect the Unexpected… This goes for every aspect of motherhood and parenting. If you go in with your eyes wide open, you might not be knocked for six (cricket term…English for “have the crap kicked out of you”) when the unexpected happens. This particularly applies to labour and birth and that pesky old topic, BREASTFEEDING!!!

F- Frugality… In this economy, we have to pinch our pence don’t we? Be clever…invent…make do…shop at Aldi and Lidl…eBay…vouchers…hand-me-downs…buy-one-get-one-free…tax credits. Take advantage of it all. A friend of mine is in the process of creating a website where she’s having a “Money Matters” section…you won’t want to miss it. Watch this space! I would also say…don’t try to keep up with the Joneses! It’s hard, when you see your children’s best mates getting things that you can’t afford but how can THINGS take the place of your LOVE and ATTENTION. Kids don’t care if they have something bright and shiny and new; they just want Mummy to play with them! And that’s all FREE!

G-Giggles… There is nothing like the sound of your baby’s first PROPER giggle. I made Little Miss laugh at a very early age (around 4 weeks) by walking into the room and saying “Hi Toots!” in a silly voice. Oh, did she laugh! Over a very innocent thing. And be prepared to laugh on a daily basis at the things your child does and says. Not laughing AT your child (though you will do this too) but laughing WITH or BECAUSE of something your child did. I find that I have become a lot happier in general since Little Miss came into our lives and it’s because she makes me laugh EVERY DARN DAY! Thank you Little Miss…I needed that!

H- Heart… Be prepared for it to break many times! And be prepared for it to fill to sizes you never thought possible. Have you seen “The Grinch”? Do you remember how his tiny little heart finally grew and grew? This is what happens when you have a child. They make you FEEL and KNOW what real love is. It’s like nothing in the world (I do love you too Hubby!). But when your child hurts (jabs, bumps, bruises, hurt feelings), there’s nothing that hurts worse. The only advice I give is wrap your baby tight in your arms and just breathe…love the hurts away and feel your heart grow and grow.

I- Invention… Some brilliant Mummies (and Daddies- see Daily Fluff) are out there making a difference AND a living. Here are a few: Sophie4Sophie , Ella Announcements, Slugs on the Refrigerator and Kooky Boutique. They do some amazing things all because they want to be home with their babies and make a living. You never know what you can do if you try after all. Kudos to these amazing Mummies! And I wish I had 1/8 their creativity!

J- Juggler… I don’t mean the circus performer variety here, although that would be quite cool and very entertaining to your child! I mean, being able to boil the kettle, make a bottle, throw jacket potatoes in the oven whilst Twittering and texting to keep yourself still yourself. You have to be able to DEAL with it when everything goes “tits up” (pardon the English expression but it’s very appropriate here). All of this goes into hyper-drive when you dare to have more than one child! Check out Amy at And 1 More Means Four. That woman deserves a tiara!

K- Kooky… Find your inner child! Don’t be afraid to be silly! Laugh in the face of uptight, upper class parents who hire nannies to do the kookiness! And make a face at them when they are not looking. Having a child means that you can do childish things again. Mind you, not the “3am stumbling out of the pub” sort of childish thing but how bout playing a game of peekaboo? Getting dirty and messy with messy play? Watch “In the Night Garden” and “Timmy Time” and know all about each character and be able to sing the theme song (“Yes, My name is IgglePiggle…”). It’s OK to have fun and what’s more, your child will thank you for it. There’s nothing worse than a boring Mummy! Who’d want to be around her all day?

L- Love… As mentioned above in “H”, I’ve never known love until I had a baby. I’ll clarify this a bit for the sake of my husband. I have a passionate, wonderful, fulfilling marriage/relationship with my husband. He’s made all of my dreams come true and gave me some more that I never knew I could achieve. He is my best friend; the light of my life and someone who makes me blissfully happy. But, it’s a different kind of love that I have for my daughter. I’ve become a MOTHER. I would fight to the death for her; I cry just thinking about things like illness or injury; I fear for the day when I’m no longer with her and hope that it’s too far away to REALLY think about; I want the world for her and it kills me that I can’t give her everything right now. It’s a love that will never end and one that I am eternally grateful to have. I only hope she loves me as much!

M-Multi-Tasking…Along the lines of J for Juggling, you really need to brush up on your multi-tasking skills when motherhood descends. If you can’t master this one, you’ll really struggle. And even better, as your child gets older, you’ll be amazed at how you can carry on an albeit disjointed conversation with other mummies, extricate your child from a “sharing” clinch with another baby, pour drinks, let the dog out and answer the phone at the same time.

N-Never Say Never…I was amazed at the things I said I would NEVER do as a Mummy and then when push came to shove, I did them. If you feel truly strongly about something (like breastfeeding) then stick to your guns and persevere if it’s right for you. But, don’t be surprised if your resolve crumbles when the chips are down. For example: I said that I would NEVER bring Little Miss into our bed at night. Our bed was OUR bed after all! Well, when you’re hanging over the edge of the crib at ridiculous o’clock for the umpteenth time, you might cave as well. The most important thing for me was that Little Miss sleep because that meant that I could sleep. It may not have been the sleep of years ago, but it was sleep! Give yourself a break…no one’s going to judge you but yourself.

O-Organisation…Your life will become a lot easier if you actually take the time to organise and plan ahead. Planning ahead means planning for most eventualities as well. My biggest area of organisation is Little Miss’ changing bag. I keep it on a chair in the kitchen and keep it stocked AT ALL TIMES! My changing bag is quite big and unfortunately, right now, it’s on its last legs but it’s been so handy for me. Don’t just go for fasion…function is so much more important. If you keep the changing bag stocked, going out for the day is a doddle. When your child is in the newborn stages, be sure to keep at least ONE entire outfit in the bag because when you least expect it, your child will have a massive blowout and need entirely new clothes. Change this outfit as the weather and growth occurs our you just might be caught out. As toddlerhood comes and weaning replaces bottles with solids, make sure to have a dish or two of easy snacks that can occupy your child when you get that rare chance to sit in a café with another Mummy. Also, I ALWAYS carry Little Miss’ red book (her medical records book) in the changing bag. You never know when you might have the unfortunate need to go to A&E!

P-Patience…Of course you will need patience for your child but I’m thinking of it more for YOURSELF! Be patient and kind to yourself. You’re a brilliant mummy…stop putting too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. You cannot do everything. Realise this early and you will safe yourself a crying jag or seven. This definitely applies to losing the “mummy tummy” as well. It took you 9 months to put the weight on, give yourself at least that to get it off.

Q-Quiet Time…This would be for YOU, not your baby. Take some time every day, particularly in those early days and weeks, to have Quiet Time for you. Whether it’s when the baby is sleeping or after hubby gets home, take a bit of time to reclaim yourself. A soak in a hot tub, a flip through a magazine, a nap…whatever it takes to reclaim a bit of your “I’m-not-just-a-Mummy” self. You are not being selfish! You simply must do this or you’ll have a hard time remembering who you are under your Mummy cloak.

R-Relationship…Your relationship with your significant other will change. There’s no two ways about it. How can it not? Prepare yourself for this and you’ll be stronger for it. Discuss with your spouse, how you’ll cope. What will you do as a couple to keep up the communication? To share the responsibilities? To have time as a couple? Don’t wait to discuss this after the baby arrives. As your baby gets older and you feel more comfortable with leaving him or her, go out on a date and remember what it was like to be just TWO. Not that you’d change anything but it’s important to remember yourselves as a couple and not just parents. Your child will thank you for it in the long run. Both of you need to make an effort in the relationship department as well. It’s not just down to the husband/partner to bring home flowers for his wife, although that’s very nice and welcome! What would your husband/partner like? What makes him happy? Make an effort for him and you might be pleasantly surprised with what comes back.

S-Sleep…After baby, sleep as you knew it is over. Plain and simple. Mothers, in particular, will never sleep the same again. There’s something about having a baby that changes your ability to sleep. Personally, I hear Little Miss turning over, practially! I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 14 months! But, you adapt and realise you don’t need quite as much sleep as you think (or you’d like). As all the experts say, sleep when the baby sleeps in the early days (you can follow this into toddlerhood but you might not get much done). And if you are truly in a state of sleep deprivation and it’s affecting your daily life, discuss it with your husband/partner. Perhaps you can take turns getting up in the night? Or perhaps hubby can get up with Little One in the morning before heading to work giving you a chance for a lie-in? It will get better, definitely, but until you’re baby is in more of a pattern, take it where you can get it!

T-Temper…This is just more of a general reminder of what we all know…keep your temper in check with your child, of course, but also your partner. (See R for Relationship!) When you’re tired and frustrated, you’re liable to say something you’re going to regret. Think about it before it comes out and take the time to communicate your feelings rather than lashing out. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve the right to shout when you feel you need to but don’t let that become your regular form of communication. T for Temper also pertains to your child…their temper tantrums that will come. Little Miss, at about 12 months, began to have proper temper tantrums…you’ll be amazed at how it comes out in such a little one! Prepare yourself for how you’ll handle it and be prepared…it will come!

U-Understanding…I’m going to suggest that you give your partner some understanding. They’re left out of the loop so often in the early days because everything you do is for your baby. Your partner is pushed way down the list…it’s inevitable. Give him some time to adjust to this and understand that he is going to feel a bit put out. Let him find his way with the baby as well…he probably knows less than you about things like nappies, dummies, sleepsuits, throwing up. Help him to learn (in a non-condescending way) and he’ll be more confident as a Daddy and feel like he’s a part of it, not just a helpless by-stander.

V-Vigilance…Keep aware of your baby and their safety at all times. Look at the world from their eyes and height. What’s attractive to a newborn/baby/toddler? What can go in their mouth that could choke them or hurt them? REMOVE IT! What could fall down on them if they touch something? REMOVE IT! Use those eyes in the back of your head that come out when you have a baby. If you have animals, teach them about the baby, teach your child about them and never leave them alone together. You just don’t know what might happen and you don’t want to be that parent wondering why you did what you did.

W-Washing Up…You’ll never do so much in your life! We don’t have the luxury of a dishwasher so I do at least 2-3 sinkload of washing up each day, usually not including the bottles. Oh, how I wish we had a dishwasher! You’ll also do copious amounts of laundry…the washing machine will be going pretty much every day. Just expect it, get used to it and get on with it. As your child gets older, I apply washing up to your child as well. Encouraging good hand hygiene from an early age is very important. At 14 months, we are now doing handwashing with Little Miss and using anti-bacterial gels with her as well. I don’t want her to develop a complex about clean/dirty hands but I do want her to know the importance of having clean hands and how to get them.

X-X-Ray…In light of a recent post from Being a Mummy, if you ever suspect that your child has a broken bone, BE THEIR ADVOCATE! Don’t leave A&E until they listen and do what you think your child needs. The doctors don’t know everything and are much more likely to attribute your child’s pain to being “wussy” than to an actual medical issue. Be the Mummy…you know your child best and if something isn’t right, follow your instinct.

Y-Yawn and Z-Zed…It’s the end of this post and I’m tired! You will be for the forseeable future so count on YAWN’s and ZED’s when you can…it’s just what happens when a wonderful baby enters your life. The sooner you accept it, the happier you will be.

And this is the end of my post…I’m tired and out of ideas. I hope you enjoy and feel free to add your own! This is a working post in progress. Thanks for putting up with my list!