Posts Tagged "epidural"

Birth Memories

Posted by cafebebemama on Aug 10, 2009 in Uncategorized | 6 comments

I was tweeting away when one of my fellow Twitter-ers posted a photo of her daughter JUST being born by C-Section.  Mummy in question, in the photo was peering over the edge of the drape to see her daughter being lifted from her.  It was a lovely picture with a beautiful new baby taking her first breath.  I instantly felt sadness.  I didn’t have that moment and I suddenly felt a real emptiness about that. 

My labour and delivery were not as I had planned, but then again, is anyones?  I was 12 days overdue and went in on Sunday 1 June, 2008 at 9:30pm.  After being checked and monitored by one of the nurses, they determined that I was in the early stages of labour so I wouldn’t need pessaries.  My husband was told to leave and they continued to monitor me throughout the night.  At some point my blood pressure flew through the roof so blood tests were ordered and more monitoring ensued.  In the meantime, I didn’t sleep a wink.  Being one of four women on a labour ward is not exactly restfull.  Every time I needed to use the loo I had to shuffle down the hall to a communal toilet.  I’ve never walked back and forth so many times.  I was having mild, very sporadic contractions but nothing horrible.  I learned that birdsong begins around 3:15am in June in England as I was awake to hear it. 

Around 8:30am, a doctor came in to break my waters to try to get things moving.  I kept thinking about the “knitting needle” that she was using to do it and kept waiting for the gush of waters that I had always heard about.  There was no gush but there was definite pain!  My contractions started to kick in a bit more and I started to really want my husband with me.  He turned up freshly rested and bearing magazines and snacks.  I just wanted him to rub my back and be with me…didn’t really care about the OK Magazine in his rucksack. 

Finally at about 1pm, we were moved to the active labour ward.  Because I was “induced” there would be no midwife-led unit and birthing pools for us!  We arrived in a small room with a bed, chair and lots of medical equipment.  At least we were in a room of our own though.  We had 2 midwives who stayed with us during this time…we got to know them quite well but I couldn’t tell you today what their names were.  I was asked about pain relief as I was going to be put on a Syntocinon drip.  I wasn’t sure but was brought round to the epidural idea.  Then I was repeatedly stuck in the worst ways 3-4 different times in both hands in order to get a canula in for the Syntocinon drip.  They couldn’t get it in!  On top of the contractions that were now becoming decidedly uncomfortable, I was being tortured my midwives, nurses and doctors who took 4 attempts to hit a vein.  That pushed me right over the edge…EPIDURAL NOW!

After being properly scared by the anaesthetist who said “DON’T MOVE!”, the epidural began to run.  I felt a cold rush into my spine and the pain began to go away.  Who cared if I could move my legs?  I didn’t feel pain!  But guess what then?  The epidural was patchy!  This meant that after short periods of time, the epidural would wear off from my right mid-ribs down my right leg to my toes.  This also meant that I began to feel contractions again.  I would get sprayed with cold spray to test the numbness in my limbs, twisted and turned to try to get the epidural to float over to the right side and then get the epidural topped up for a while.  This process was repeated numerous times.  I couldn’t lay down and couldn’t really get comfortable as Little Miss had a foot or some pointy extremity lodged in one of my ribs so again, I couldn’t sleep.  I hadn’t slept for about 30 hours at this point. 

Apparently I created a lovely environment for my baby because she decided that she was just not going to come out.  After 2 rounds of Syntocinon and numerous epidural top-ups, I was still only at 3-4 centimetres.  10 hours after entering the active labour room, a C-Section was decided upon and I was grateful.  I knew that had I ever got to 10 centimetres there was no way I was going to be able to push Little Miss out.  It then took another 2 hours to get to theatre as there were so many c-section women in the queue.  We were now into 3 June, 2008 having come into the hospital on 1 June.  Sigh…

Finally it was time to be wheeled into theatre.  My hubby was led away by the midwife to get “scrubbed up” so I was on my own.  This is where I began to get scared.  Theatre was cold and echoey and bright.  I couldn’t get over how large and shiny the light above the table was and vowed to NOT look in it.  I didn’t want to see what was about to happen.  Once I was installed on the operating table, I began to get quite scared.  Hubby was not yet with me, people were bustling about and I was all alone, really.  I think due to the epidural which had been topped up again and the fear, I began to shiver and my teeth began to chatter.  I couldn’t control it.  I felt cold and very frightened.  Suddenly my hubby was next to the right side of my head and he kept asking if I was alright and why I was chattering.  I didn’t know!  I was so worried about when they would start the c-section and then I felt a lot of pulling and tugging and then I felt my own legs moving!  What??  Once of the nurses remarked that “this woman’s legs are moving!” and some more drugs were pumped into me.  I could feel everything…not pain but massive tugging and yanking around.  I still don’t know, to this day, if I was halucinating or if Little Miss was really stuck.  I do know that she wasn’t coming out any other way and that she did seem to be stuck in my pelvis.  I continued to chatter and shiver and feel really bloomin’ miserable. 

There was a release when they finally got Little Miss out of her home of 9 months followed by a mewling sound and a “It’s a Girl!” from someone.  Hubby and I gasped and said “It’s a Girl!”  I knew it was a girl…mother’s know these things.  The next few minutes were a bit of a blur.  I know Little Miss was wrapped up and brought to my hubby who then held her to my head so I could look at her.  I’d never seen such big, dark eyes staring at me.  She was quiet and calm and just stared at me.  I said “Hi you” and after a minute or two, began to feel really horrible.  I told hubby to take her away as I was going to be sick.  I kept shouting to the medical people that I was going to be sick and finally someone brought a dish for me to tip my head into and be sick.  How dignified!  My daughter just comes into the world and I throw up!  I made sure hubby went with Little Miss and then I know a lot more drugs were pumped into me.  I had looked at the clock when I threw up (1:55am) and then just was very dozy and out of it until about 2:45 am when I was being wheeled out of theatre to recovery.

I still don’t know what the heck happened in theatre with Little Miss’ birth but I did end up losing about 2 pints of blood and nearly needed a transfusion.  Doesn’t seem like it was all that pleasant and I have rather horrible memories of the whole thing.  I feel like I missed out on the JOY of birth, even though there was a moment of joy when I knew Little Miss was safe and when I saw her tiny face.  I was so out of it and so out of control that it’s mostly a blur.  My other friends who had natural births had that “Awwww” moment that I couldn’t have and it makes me a bit sad.  I did feel like a failure as well.  I know I ended up with a gorgeous, healthy Little Miss and that’s all that really matters.  If there’s a next time, I hope I will be a bit more in control and happy whether that’s with a c-section or natural birth.  I’m grateful that my Little Miss and I came out of the entire thing mostly safe and sound but I do have some very mixed feelings about the entire thing.  What about you?  Was your birth ideal and “fairytale” or was it your own personal nightmare?