I have discovered, by becoming a mum to two, that I have some real talent! I’ve learned some valuable lessons in parenting which give me hope should there be any additional sports introduced for future Olympics. I may be too late for London 2012 but you never know! Perhaps we should just kick off the Parenting Olympics 2012? Could you make the team?
New Sport: Sleep Deprivation-talathon- I will be a formidable competitor in the Sleep Deprivation-tathalon. Competitors are allowed sleep but only in 90 minute bursts. Sleep during those 90 minutes is bombarded with sounds, lights and general panic (“Is my child still moving?”). Competitors participate in 5 events following each 90 minute burst of disturbed sleep:
1st event- Nightmare Soothing-Rushing 20 feet into a darkened bedroom with a formerly sleeping child who is now screaming. The competitor who can successfully negotiate toys, clothes and small furniture obstacles to soothe their child the fastest wins!
2nd event- Bottle Dash- Racing down a flight of stairs to a darkened kitchen to boil a kettle and prepare a formula bottle to a specific temperature and following non-existent NHS guidelines for safe bottle preparation while a screaming baby shouts through the baby monitor. Extra points if this event can be completed with a baby in one arm.
3rd event- School Run- Each competitor will be allocated at least 2 children with a minimum of 2 years age difference between them. For additonal points a 3rd child can be added or 1 of the 2 children can be a newborn. Competitors will have 45 minutes to get all children fed, dressed in coordinating, matching clothing, comb hair, pack school bags and prevents tears at all costs. Competitor must also get herself bathed, dressed and made-up for the school run. The first family out of the door wins!
4th event- Poopy Nappy Race- Competitors will be faced with a fully filled, fully poonami-sized nappy which is beginning to leave the confines of the nappy on a fully dressed, fully screaming newborn. Competitors must remove the offending nappy, fully clear the nappy area to a high standard, remove leaked-upon clothes, place a new nappy on the child and re-clothe with a new outfit in the fastest amount of time. Additional points with a male baby when competitors avoid being weed upon!
5th event- Mummy-nastics- This particularly challenging event involves getting 2 children, aged 3 and 6 weeks ready to get in the car. A changing bag must be fully stocked as well as bottles/food/snacks packed for every eventuality. Children must be clothed for the weather of the moment, installed in car seats safely, securely and per national guidelines, the car packed, boot stocked with the appropriate pushchair and NO TEARS from either child or mother…all accomplished in 20 minutes or less. Bonus points for the fewest dashes from house to car and remembering to shut off all lights and lock the door.
I am sure to be picked for Team GB! What about you? Oh, wait! Damn! I’m not a Citizen! I’ll have to try to make Team USA! Boo!
In addition to my talents for the Parening Olympics team, I have been able to manage the following ONE HANDED: make a cup of tea, prepare a bottle, mix(from scratch) and throw gluten-free french bread in the oven, chop potatoes, type out emails, eat, wee, tidy the house and hoover. Will my abilities never cease?
What Parenting Olympic sport would you excel at?