Dear So and So

Dear So and So: The Hormonal Pregnant Lady Edition

Posted by cafebebemama on Sep 15, 2011 in Blogger Love, Blogging, Dear So and So, Motherhood | 8 comments

My fellow American, Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow, started a weekly feature an age ago. It’s called “Dear So and So…” and it’s to allow for ranting, happiness and all other means of self-expression. I have participated in the wonderful venting session that is “Dear So and So” a few times but I feel the need to vent again. Excuse the mood…I am 28 weeks pregnant, rather huge, rather uncomfortable and rather ranty. I need to stay away from the video camera so you get this instead. Stand back…

Dear GP,

You are a numpty. You made me give you a wee sample last week which is difficult enough at the best of times but YOU try weeing into a tube the diameter of a 10p coin when you can’t even see between your legs anymore! But I digress. You SHOULD have sent that sample off to the lab then to determine what sorts of bacteria were present so we knew that I was on the right antibiotics. But you didn’t did you? Instead you ASS-U-MEd that the “blanket” antibiotic you prescribed me would cure me of my very painful kidney infection. Well, we all know what happens when we ASS-U-ME. I am not better, you did not send the sample so now we have to start all over again thus keeping me in discomfort, pain and HIGH levels of irritation. All great practise for a pregnant woman, no? YOU SUCK. And while we’re at it, I know you have government targets of not spending more than 11 minutes with a patient BUT when you only give me 2 minutes of your time, I highly doubt that you get 9 minutes worth of a bonus in your paycheck for doing so. Consider asking what OTHER symptoms I have, consider asking me HOW I feel, consider letting me actually WARM the seat before turfing me out so you can get home sooner.

Thanks for your caring bedside manner,

Mrs. Joyce

Dear Midwife,

Repeatedly telling me that “Sorry love, I’m not a doctor” and “Oh, love, that’s just part of being pregnant” does not help me in any way, shape or form. In fact, it only serves to infuriate me more. I know that you are stretched to the limit. I know that you have more “patients” than is fit to have. I know that you really could care less about the women you see but COME ON. I’ve complained once about you and you know I’m poised to do it again. You are not doing much to give me confidence in midwifery in the UK you know. Make an effort today, please. If you don’t, there will be considerable shouting at today’s appointment. And it won’t be coming from you.

Tersely,

Mrs. I-Know-I’m-Not-The-Only-Person-Who’s-Ever-Been-Pregnant-in-the-UK

Dear PR,

My name is not Elisabeth. I do not have hamsters, mice or gerbils. I do not want to have a residence for hamsters, mice or gerbils in my home. Get your research straight.

Have a nice day,

Cafe Bebe

Dear Cold Caller/Telemarketer,

No, Mrs Hayley Joyce is not at home. Why? Because my husband divorced her 7 years ago. She has not lived here for 9 years. I do not appreciate you ringing this home and asking for my husband’s ex-wife. She is someone else’s wife now. Find her there. Do not ever ring this number again unless you wish to have your head bit off another time because you know I will do it. And while we’re at it, this number is registered with the TPS. Give me your company name and number so I can report you and you can be issued with the LARGE fine that you deserve for ringing a number that you shouldn’t be ringing.

Take that,

Mrs. KARIN Joyce

Whew, I feel a bit better now. I could go on…believe me. But then you’d think that I was more insane than you already do so I’ll table the rest of the venting for another day. I’m suggesting that everyone tiptoe around me for at least another day or two. I may feel differently come Saturday. Thanks for listening…resume normal activity now.

Dear So and So: The Week in Review

Posted by cafebebemama on Aug 20, 2011 in American Mum Me, Blogger Love, Blogging, Dear So and So, Motherhood | 3 comments

Dear Daughter,

I love you more than I ever thought possible. You are the light of my life and make me smile every day. You do know that life will not come to an end if you do a poo on the toilet don’t you? You know that Mummy and Daddy are getting mighty tired, frustrated and fed up with you doing a poo in your “plup” nearly ONE YEAR after you sorted out potty training? You know that YOU are choosing to NOT poo on the toilet. So, let’s take a small step in the right direction and get that poo in the toilet, eh?

Love you forever,

Mummy

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Dear Commenters,

I am not freaking out about this, my second pregnancy. I am not throwing stones at the NHS. I am simply questioning maternity matters in the UK. I come from a country where pregnancy is probably overly-medicalised. It’s hard for me to adjust to a “laissez-faire” type of antenatal care. I probably spend too much time talking about this but I can’t help it! I think about it and thus, blog about it. I’m not mental or evil or ungrateful. I am concerned that I won’t get the elective c-section that I am hoping for. I am concerned that my body is not meant to give birth in the normal way. I am concerned about breastfeeding and post-major surgery recovery. I am a normal mum-to-be who happens to use her blog to voice some of her questions or concerns. I will try to NOT do this in the future.

Yours in mental health,

Me

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Dear London,

I am exceptionally fond of you. You bring happiness to my days and hustle and bustle to my life. I adore spending an afternoon in your presence. And you even have special restaurants (Leon) where gluten-free is heavily featured on the menu! Just keep doing what you’re doing!

That is all,

Karin

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Dear Rioters and Looters,

You know that phrase “What goes around comes around?” You’ve heard about Karma? Well guess what? The courts and magistrates are making sure that Karma is enforced. And you deserve it! Bet you’re pretty upset that you took the time to steal a box of water worth £7.92 and now you’re sitting in jail for more than a year. Gee darn. Life really sucks now, doesn’t it?

Har-de-har-har,

Me

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Dear PR,

Yes, I am familiar with your brand’s sports bag. Yes, I used to have one when I was a kid. Yes, it was the THING to have to carry your school books in. Do I want to write a post for you just to receive one of those bags now when I am 40 years old? Uh, no. Nice try though.

Unkind regards,

Cafe Bebe

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Dear British Citizens,

Please do not think that the WHACK Tea Party in the US is speaks for the majority of US citizens. Yes, the US is in a bit of turmoil at the moment. No, the Tea Party and nut-jobs like Michelle Bachman are not the answer. Please ignore the insane extreme-right-wing-Republican wanna-be’s who are trying to become the next President of the United States. Giving them attention only encourages their childish and embarrassing behaviour. Not all Americans have lost their mind like this lot.

Americanly yours,

Kari

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Dear Friendly Bloggers,

Thank you for your support. Thank you for joining in on Linkys like Flashback Friday. Thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog posts when I don’t always do the same. Thank you for being my friend and encouraging me to continue to write. You help me to come back every day and try again. I hope I’ll continue to be your friend in the same way you are mine.

Eternally gratefully yours,

Karin @ Cafe Bebe

Dear So and So…The Coeliac Edition

Posted by cafebebemama on Apr 2, 2011 in Dear So and So, Gluten Free Mama, Mealtimes | 6 comments

I was diagnosed with Coeliac Disease in December of 2010. Coeliac disease is an auto-immune disease…blah, blah, blah… It means that I CAN NEVER EAT ANYTHING WITH GLUTEN IN IT AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! Was I shouting there? Oh, sorry. Sometimes I still get a bit cross about it. Even though I do feel loads better. Even though my belly has minimised slightly thanks to it not being bloated all the live long day. Even though I’ve renewed my passion for cooking in order to satisfy my hunger. I still get cross. This is me getting cross…

Dear Jenny Craig,

This is what you say on your website:

We will also try our very best to personalise your menu according to your allergies or food intolerances.

This is actually a load of WHOOEY. Do you know how many coeliacs there are in the UK? 1 in every 50 Britons lives with Coeliac Disease. That’s a lot of people. Don’t you think that Coeliacs deserve the right to lose weight with your company if they so choose? I mean, ready meal diet programmes really aren’t very realistic for life but they do produce results. Loads of Coeliacs, yours truly included, are overweight. Don’t you know that gluten actually is not the best thing a person can ingest? It makes you bloated, is difficult to process and while often a good source of fibre, is truly unnecessary. Particularly in forms like emulsifiers, thickeners and starchy agents. Get with the progamme. Oh, wait, I can’t. Because I can’t eat gluten and you apparently are full of it. Gluten, that is.

The bottom line is that you shouldn’t advertise something that you’re not prepared to offer. What allergies and food intolerances DO you provide for?

No-Thanks,

Me…Slightly Raging Coeliac

Dear Gluten-Free Flour,

You are lovely you know? You allow me to pretend that I can eat things that “all the cool kids” are eating. But why do you cause the product that I turn you into to become HARD AS A ROCK within 12 hours of baking? It’s so not convenient to have to bake something minutes before you need it. Otherwise, within a few hours, you start to go a bit heavy. And then a few hours after that you are a brick. And then you get dumped in my bin. This makes me sad. No one should have to see a fairy cake go before it’s time.

Love,

Formerly Gluten Loving Me

Dear Rice Noodles,

You are my new favourite noodle. I used to love your cousin Egg Noodle but Egg Noodle is all about the FLOUR and as we all know, FLOUR = GLUTEN which makes me decidedly, extremely unwell. You are easier and faster to cook and you have a texture vaguely similar to your naughty cousin which makes me happy. You are far more pleasant to eat than that trollop Maize Noodle. That is one nasty piece of work that Maize Noodle. Bleurgh.

Thank you, Rice Noodle, for redeeming my faith in noodles. Could you do me one favour though? Could you not coagulate into a gluey mess 15 minutes after I cook you? Cheers for that.

Enamoured with you,

Cafe Bebe Mama

Dear Local Chippy (The Boundary, Market Deeping, Lincolnshire),

You are lovely! You have decided to cater to people like me! You are doing gluten-free fish and chips ONE night a week. And unlike that other chippy down the road a piece (Linford’s in Market Deeping, Lincs) you are actually doing it right. We got some of your gf fish and chips a few weeks ago and it was so gorgeous!

Prepared fresh on the spot, handled just the way it should be, that fish and chips was the best I have had in a long time. The batter wasn’t overwhelming, the fish wasn’t dried out and tough, the chips were crispy and tasty! Magnifique (as the French say about their fish and chips)!

I only have one complaint, however. You only do Gluten-Free fish and chips on a Monday night. The “chip fat” is cleaned out on Sunday nights so there’s fresh, non-gluten-tainted fat in the fryers which makes it suitable for gluten-free fish and chips. I appreciate the steps you are taking to ensure that there’s no cross-contamination. You are lovely. But what happens when I really, really want fish and chips on one of the other 6 nights of the week? I have to reserve my cravings for Mondays only. This makes me a bit sad.

Don’t get me wrong though. I still love you and this coming Monday, we’ve already planned to get our (gluten-free) fish and chips from you. But maybe you might consider doing it full-time?! Then I’d love you forever.

Fishily yours,

Me

Ah, I feel better now…do you have any letters you could write after this past week? I bet you do! Have a pop over to 3 Bedroom Bungalow for more “Dear So and So” letter writing.

Countdown to Christmas-Day 3

Posted by cafebebemama on Dec 3, 2010 in Blogger Love, Countdown to Christmas, Dear So and So | 4 comments

It’s Day 3 of my Countdown to Christmas. I’m incorporating the lovely idea conceived by Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow, Dear So and So, into today’s post. I shall put a holiday slant on it however.

Dear Hubby,

I love you like no other. You know this. I also am quite fond of the idea of the BRAND NEW DISHWASHER sitting under our kitchen table being installed before Christmas. Please make my dreams come true.

Love, The Love of Your Life

Dear Santa,

We don’t have much money this year. Could you possibly manage to give gifts to all of my extended family in our name? It would be really kind.

Cheers and Falalalala, Karin

Dear England,

Sort out your snow removal problems. I know the state of Wisconsin in the US would be happy to come over and give you a crash course in how to use a snow plow so the country can function properly. I can give you their number if you like.

Pissed Off with Icy Roads, Mrs. Joyce

Dear Russia,

You may have lots of pretty snow and know how to make vodka which we really do appreciate but you really don’t deserve to host the 2018 World Cup! You’ve crushed the hearts of many an Englishman and Englishwoman. I think you suck. You’d better put on a damn good show that sees England raising the World Cup in Victory again or we may have to think about invading you.

Not-English-But-Showing-Love-For-My-Adopted-Homeland, Moi

Dear Little Miss,

I was rather disappointed with your new trick of growling and smacking Mummy the other day. I shall have to tell Father Christmas if this keeps up. He might not be able to bring your presents after all.

Just saying, Mummy

Feel free to add a link to your own Countdown to Christmas! Only 22 days to go! Happy Holidays!

Dear So and So

Posted by cafebebemama on Nov 26, 2010 in Blogger Love, Dear So and So | 4 comments

Dear Peterborough District Hospital,

I’d like to let you know that you royally pissed me off on Wednesday. You gave me an appointment for 3:00pm. When I checked in to the ridiculously difficult to find wing of your hospital, your chain-smoking nurse/receptionist informed me that there would be a bit of a wait. When you finally called my name FIFTY minutes later, causing me to miss my 4:15pm train to London, I was more than a bit irritated. To then sit through a consultation with a doctor, who was exceptionally pleasant I will add, to find out that, in fact, I didn’t REALLY need to be having said consultation as I was being referred for a gastric biopsy, I was quite hacked off. Thanks for making my coeliac diseased self wait for possibly another six weeks until I can officially get some help.

Love, Me

Dear Endoscopy Department,

How is it that despite being present at the depressing hospital where you are located, I now have to wait for a letter in the post to tell me when I have been granted an appointment of YOUR chosing to allow you to ram a tube down my throat and cut a segment from my abdominal lining to officially allow me the diagnosis of “coeliac disease?” Thanks for being so accomodating to my personal schedule. If you even think of giving me an appointment on Wednesday 8 December I will have to seek my revenge in other ways.

Crankily, Me

Dear Let’s Play,

When I order a children’s meal with sausage, chips and baked beans, in the future, please do not take it upon yourself to substitute spaghetti hoops for the chosen baked beans. My daughter has never eaten the vile spaghetti hoops nor will she ever under my watch. I would rather have had you come out from behind the counter and ask me if I would like a substitute as opposed to assuming that spaghetti hoops would be sufficient. You know what happens when you assume…you make an ass of u and me! I’m not terribly keen on being made an ass.

Cheers, Mummy

Dear Spammers,

I have stopped you in your tracks. You somehow penetrated my defenses a few months ago and succeeded in filling my Akismet spam box with 100-200 spam comments a day. But I have squelched your spambot stupidity. Conditional CAPTCHA has ended your reign of terror. I win. Take that stupid spammers!

Love, Cafe Bebe Mama

Dear Cheetos,

I really, really miss you. Your orangey goodness. Your crunchy sticks. I would really, really love it if you could send a cargo ship with containers of Cheetos to sell at a Tesco near me. My life would be much happier. And oranger.

Love, Karin

Dear So & So is the creation of blogger and fellow American, Kat, of 3 Bedroom Bungalow. Venture over to her site to enjoy the other whingers!