Baby Love Series

My friend, Mrs. OMG commissioned me to write a GUEST BLOGGING series on her site. We called it BABY LOVE and I addressed a lot of topics that New Mummies encounter. Here is the series in its entirety:

Baby Love-Why Should I Worry?

Why Should I Worry??? Women everywhere do it every day!

When I found out I was pregnant I giggled. Like a schoolgirl. Almost wondering, “how the heck did that happen?”. My husband and I decided a) HOLY CRAP! b) not to tell anyone until we had our 11-week scan and c) HOLY CRAP! I remember walking around the school I was a teaching assistant at grinning like a numpty, knowing that I was pregnant and wishing I could tell someone. But I didn’t want to tempt fate. You just never know. Thankfully, our pregnancy was relatively symptom free. I never experienced morning sickness (groan and throw things here) and only had mega-tiredness in the evenings for the first trimester. I didn’t have bizarre cravings like eating coal or crunching on ice cubes but I did crave FRUIT! I ate at least 10 watermelons in the first few months…didn’t really help that loo run!

Coming from the US where the medical system is completely different, I was amazed to have our GP take my word for it that I was pregnant as he filled in a form referring me to the midwife. I was anxious about our 11-week scan, however, as due to the lack of symptoms it didn’t really seem like I was pregnant. My husband was with me and I was miserably uncomfortable as I had been told to drink plenty of water to help the wee one show up. A few seconds after that gel hit my belly (which was already a definable BUMP) a little bean appeared on the screen and it was moving! I definitely had tears and my hubby was a bit choked up as well. It was really there…a baby! I don’t think either of us has ever been so happy in our lives. Out popped 3 images from the printer and after a £3 “contribution”, we were allowed to take our baby’s first pictures with us as we went on our way.

We told my husband’s family and webcamed with my family in the US to tell them. This was where I had a blip. My family was going to miss out on my whole pregnancy and wouldn’t be able to see our child on a daily or weekly basis! This was a real strain on the heart … I wanted my child to be around all of his or her grandparents and it just wasn’t going to be possible.

The rest of the pregnancy progressed without major incident. I happily ate for England, put on weight, was gleeful at the thought of motherhood and relished the shopping for all the things we’d need. I had a real hiccup about buying clothes, however! I felt like I shouldn’t necessarily be buying these things. What if something happened? I didn’t want to look at just boy or just girl things because we weren’t finding out the sex. It took me a long time to finally buy nice, neutral unisex sleepers and onesies for the babe.

I was worried about the blood tests too. You know, that lovely triple scan that you are offered? I’m not a fan of needles or blood tests so I wasn’t thrilled with the process but I was so grateful when the letter arrived a few days later showing extremely low risk for any defects. It almost seemed like then I could exhale.

Other milestones like hearing the heartbeat for the first time, seeing our baby waving at us at our 20 week scan and preparing the hospital bag for babe and for me came and went. I do remember finally feeling the baby move for the first time (around 20 weeks for me). It was such a reassuring thing and something that I grew to expect and worried when there wasn’t movement. I’d be sitting in a lesson thinking, “I haven’t felt the baby move for a bit”, so I’d prod my bump a bit or shift around and wait…almost not breathing, until something fluttered. It made me relax every time I felt it. It was almost like the baby was saying “Hey Mummy…I’m still here!”

Being pregnant brought out a new side to me – a protective mother-bear side. I was a teaching assistant in a secondary school and during one lesson, a particularly large and very angry year 10 student decided to physically challenge me at the doorway to the classroom. Instinctively I turned my belly away from him and braced for the thwack that thankfully never came. It scared the bejesus out of me but I also knew then that I would do anything in this world to protect my baby. Nothing or no one was going to hurt my baby…I would fight tooth and nail to make sure of it.

I know that millions of women do it every day but I was scared to DEATH of giving birth! I was scared of the pain, scared of what my nether regions would be going through, scared of pooing, scared of tearing, scared of not being able to cope with the pain, scared that something would go wrong with me or the baby…scared, scared, scared. Our “Parentcraft” class did nothing to help this…deer in the headlights springs to mind. After that first class, where we learned about the horrors of birth and were chastised for even considering an epidural, I looked at my husband with wide eyes and said, “I’m really scared!”. My husband is a problem solver…he couldn’t solve this one and didn’t really know what to say. After a few days I realised, I’m just going to have to do it…I have to get this baby out…it’s my job! Still, I was scared.

Suffice it to say that my birth experience was not one of wine and roses. I went 12 days overdue, was induced, was poked and prodded beyond belief, had a patchy, rather rubbish epidural and never got past 3-4cm. A caeserian was a welcome solution. I’ll gloss over the birth experience because I don’t really want to go back there. Sorry to say but it’s true. The only advice I have to give on birth is EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. I don’t know anyone who’s birth went the way they planned, entirely.

Fourteen days overdue, as I was strapped to the operating table, a sound emerged from somewhere – a mewling sound. My husband and I gasped and looked at each other. Someone said, “It’s a GIRL!” and I said, “It’s a girl! I knew it was a girl” and I cried and cried. The next bit was a bit hazy but then suddenly, my husband was holding this little bundle and these HUGE, dark eyes were looking into mine. She was quiet and calm and just stared. Perhaps saying “Hey, I know you!” and I was complete. She had to be taken away for weighing and APGAR tests so I made my hubby go with her and told him not to leave her side. I was a mess for a while after that and again, I don’t want to go there, but eventually I made it to recovery where my husband and daughter were waiting for me. I was looking at this tiny gorgeous thing and I thought, despite all the pain, this was the best thing I had ever done. Looking back on it, I KNOW it’s the best thing I have ever done.

Baby Love- Finding Our Way:

After the joy of seeing my daughter for the first time, the motherhood learning curve began. Having had a c-section, moving, holding my daughter and attempting to breastfeed was more than a bit challenging. The whole breastfeeding experience was a humbling eye opener. In my wildest dreams I never imagined that the “most natural thing in the world” could be so stressful and difficult. My boobs were grabbed, molested, shoved, tweaked and tortured and all the while my poor newborn daughter screamed and stressed and none of it was the “most natural thing in the world”. Suffice it to say, we failed at breastfeeding. I hadn’t planned on this (EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED). My husband had to brave the aisles of Boots to find formula, bottles and a steriliser. I know I wasn’t a failure but it certainly felt like it.

Due to the struggle with breastfeeding, my Little Miss didn’t eat for the first 2 days of her life. I was pressured and pressured to persevere with the breastfeeding and it wasn’t until Little Miss became a bit jittery and they decided to test her blood sugar (which was ok – she just needed to eat!) that I began to realise that we needed to do something for her and that something wasn’t going to come from my boobs. At a particularly low moment on the ward, late at night, I shuffled to the midwife desk where several of them were gathered. I held my daughter and stared at them and said “I don’t know what to do!”. One of the kindly midwives came to me, put her arm around me and said “Do you want me to give you permission to bottle feed your daughter?”. I did … I needed someone to finally tell me that it was OK!

The midwife then said, “I’ll take your Little Miss and feed her, you go lie down”. I handed over my precious daughter, shuffled back to my bed and sobbed and sobbed. When Little Miss came back to me, happily fed and full and sleeping, I was grateful. She had finally eaten and all might not have been right with the world, but it was right with her and that’s all that mattered.

Being on a ward with three other mothers and their babies was far from restful. The added torture of attempting to move about, having just had major abdominal surgery, made me more than a bit emotional. Of course, hormones also had a lot to do with that. At one point, I attempted to read a magazine. I actually could not understand the words on the page! At another point I couldn’t entirely remember if I had had a “Little Miss” or a “Little Mister”. This is called sleep deprivation or motherhood…I forget which!

Those times at night on the ward were dreadful. As my husband was not allowed to stay with us (I think he skipped to the car park and thoroughly enjoyed his quiet night’s sleep), I felt utterly alone and confused. I couldn’t sleep, my Little Miss kept waking up and militant midwives kept darting in to keep up the Breastfeeding Campaign.

I wanted them all to go away and let us go home. All I focused on was GOING HOME! After 2 days on the ward, I had to GET OUT! Short of giving away my newborn daughter, I would have done ANYTHING else to go home. I had lost a lot of blood in my c-section and nearly needed a transfusion. I felt miserable and woozy most of the time and my face was the colour of semi-skimmed milk. I didn’t care…I was getting out of there…cue Mission Impossible music!!

Two days after giving birth to my gorgeous Little Miss and at about 8pm, I was SPRUNG!!! My best friend and her daughter had come from Spain to spend the weekend with us and help us out so with husband at the wheel and Little Miss secured in her car seat and my arm around the car seat, JUST IN CASE, we made our way home. We stopped at McDonald’s on the way home and got a takeaway as I was starving. That Chicken Legend was the BEST sandwich I had ever had!!!

We sat Little Miss in her car seat and just sort of marveled at her. It came time for her first feed in her new home and I prepared the bottle. Hubby and I went up to her room to feed her for the first time. Hubby sat in the rocking chair with her and I selected a random play on the iPod in her room. The first song that came up was amazingly appropriate: “Songbird” by Eva Cassidy. If you don’t know it, listen and you’ll see how wonderful it is. As “Songbird” played, I watched my husband feed his daughter and I knew that we were a family and I got all teary and said “I’m just so happy!”.

Who cared that my boobs didn’t work and my stomach was a disaster? I had a gorgeous baby girl and an amazingly wonderful husband…and all was right with our world.

Baby Love- Newborn Daze:

The first few days of Little Miss’ life were a blur really. I wasn’t 100% after the ordeal we had been through in hospital but we were finding our way.

On about Day 5 after leaving hospital, my milk came in! As you might remember from my previous post, Baby Love – Finding our Way, we failed miserably at breastfeeding so my boobies were not going to function in the way nature intended. That didn’t stop my milk coming in, however. Oooh! That hurt! My boobs became hard as rocks and the breastpads I had bought in anticipation of breastfeeding were finally put to use. It didn’t last too long – a couple of days but oh, ouch! Little Miss was flourishing on her formula and was putting on weight and changing daily. We had our moments though.

There were several times when she was crying right proper hard and I had NOOOO clue how to stop it. So I cried too! We rocked and cried together and found out what her cries meant. Her “I’m hungry” cry was unmistakable! And bless her, we did have a WIND problem. Not colic, per se, but definite issues with wind. We eventually changed our bottles to Dr. Brown’s which have a special venting system and added Infacol to her diet prior to a feed. This made a BIG difference and Little Miss began to feed much better and happier.

I was amazed at the amount that can come back out though! From both ends! Good lord…I used muslin after muslin and cotton wool by the barrel load. And there’s nothing quite like your first BLOW OUT of the nappies. How can such a wee thing produce so much? She’s still quite good at this, I must say. Just like her Daddy!

When the visitor numbers finally dwindled and family finally left, it was just Little Miss and me. I remember the first day where we were properly on our own for the day. It was a bit daunting, filling an entire day and wondering what we were going to do. And I broke every rule by letting Little Miss have her naps on ME. She was a brilliant nighttime sleeper (where has that gone now?!) but her daytime naps were harder. She didn’t want to be put down. And to tell you the truth, I didn’t mind really. All the EXPERTS tell you that you should sleep when the baby sleeps, so I did … with her on me! And I don’t regret it a minute. Little Miss and I shared an amazing bond and I thoroughly enjoyed every second of her little self nuzzling into me for a proper 2 hour snooze. So what that the dishes didn’t get done, I was a Mummy and my daughter needed me!

At 8 weeks came a dreadful thing … Little Miss’ first jabs! Oh, the horror! Hubby went with us and I was so nervous. I sat with Little Miss on my lap as I knew that if I saw her face, I wouldn’t make it. I looked at the needles that the nurse had sitting on the table and cringed and truth be told, started silently crying well before she came anywhere near Little Miss. As soon as the first needle went in, Little Miss turned bright fuschia and let out an almighty howl and then proceeded to do the kind of prolonged breathholding cry that requires one to blow a gentle puff of air in her face just to get her to breathe! I had tears streaming down my face and after the final jab (there were TWO!!!), just cuddled and cuddled Little Miss and hoped to high heaven that she didn’t remember that I was the one who put her through this. She recovered, rather quickly really, but still. I felt horrible. There is nothing quite like your child’s cries and it’s particularly distressing knowing that there’s not much you can do about it except hold them and cry with them, in my case. We just had Little Miss’ MMR/Pneumonia booster jabs and it doesn’t get any easier. I don’t have tears anymore but I still feel horrible and get a bit emotional.

In order to get ourselves a life and begin to give Little Miss some stimulation and education, we went to our local Sure Start Children’s Centre to see what was on offer. Little Miss was about 3 months at the time. There were so many things on offer! Baby Massage, Baby Yoga, Music classes, Chat and Chill for Mummies … you name it … we could do it. So we promptly got signed up for Baby Massage and Baby Beans Music. What an experience! Sitting with my baby with other mummies singing songs and putting them through their paces! It was so much fun. And it gave structure to our week and got us out of the house which was the key. And do you know what? We made some amazing friends who are still our good friends today.

It’s hard for me to put myself out there in a situation where I don’t know anyone (my friends might dispute this but I am shy … really!) but I knew, for my Little Miss, I needed to make a concentrated effort. Suddenly we had FRIENDS! We had playdates and “coffee mornings” and someone to commiserate with and realise that we weren’t the only ones struggling with certain things. I highly recommend, when you’re ready, get out of the house and seek out these opportunities. You very well may make some lifelong friends and your child will benefit immensely from it. Sure Start Children’s Centres are all over the country and most classes are generally FREE which is a major incentive in this economy and when you get down to one income! Forget your shyness and get stuck in. You’ll be glad you did a few months down the road!

Baby Love-The Best Laid Plans…:

As I have been reflecting on our 14 months of parenthood to write the Baby Love series (sounds all professional, doesn’t it?) I remembered that there were a lot of things that I planned on doing and never did, said I would NEVER do and did or said I would NEVER do and didn’t! Here are a few to make you remember or ponder:

I WILL DO…

Reusable Nappies: I said that I would be a good eco Mummy! I researched all the nappy possibilities out there and decided that reusable nappies were the way for us. My husband does all the laundry (I know, he’s wonderful) and he said that he wouldn’t mind doing endless loads of laundry so we thought, “Yes, we can!” I weighed up our options and decided upon Tots Bots (made in Scotland – good to support the UK) and happily doled out £140 at Kiddicare for the Starter Pack. I was so excited! We washed them their requisite 3 times before using, dried them on the whirly-gig, took pictures and lovingly folded them in anticipation of Little Miss. And that’s where they stayed.  Little Miss weighed in at 8lbs 3oz so she was no lightweight but the nappies were going to be gigantic on her. So I decided to give her a few weeks. Little Miss also had a “wet” belly button and needed drying time to let it heal so I knew that sticking her in reusable nappies would not give her that . We tried her in re-usables one day. They made her bum huge! She doubled in size, I swear! And oh, was she wet! I didn’t anticipate that she would be soaked after a couple hours in reusable nappies. I am apparently a bit naive! Little Miss also did a poo in one of the reusables (I’m sure you wanted to know) and I never smelled it thanks to the amazing smell absorbency of bamboo. This meant that Little Miss sat in a pooey nappy far longer than usual which made me feel horrible and made her bum none too happy. That was it for us; the end of Eco-Mummy. The reusables stayed in a box under Little Miss’ changing table and eventually were sold on eBay…  Sigh … I tried. Well, I didn’t really but you have to go with what’s best for your child and I wanted my daughter to have a dry bum and to know when she pooed and to preferably fit into the clothes we bought her. I know there are some brilliant reusable nappies out there and I admire those Mummies who are better than

Breastfeed: Oh the horrors – please read my previous post as I don’t want to bore you again with my trials and tribulations. Research, weigh your options, go into it with open eyes and know that if it doesn’t work, and it very well may not, you are not a horrible mother and bottle feeding can work and be successful for you. There are a wealth of Mummy bloggers, including my lovely host, out there waxing on this topic so I’ll leave it at that for this post. Suffice it to say, I said I WILL do this and I couldn’t. The best laid plans…

Cook for my child: I vowed that when Little Miss was old enough for weaning, I would cook for her. I would not resort to jar food or pre-prepared baby meals. I was going to give her the best start possible in her little life. I HAVE DONE THIS!  There have been less than a handful of occasions where a jar or baby meal was purchased (mainly for a travel reason) and virtually everything that Little Miss eats has been fixed by yours truly! That doesn’t mean that a partially non-nutritious food item hasn’t entered her system, however. Like her Mummy, Little Miss has a weakness for chips. We don’t give her salty ones and she only has a few when we indulge but she does like her chips. And Bird’s Eye Potato Waffles are awfully convenient and she does yum them up. I don’t make my own yogurt or make my own pasta but I do make mostly everything else. Little Miss is a fairly good eater, loves her pasta, adores her fruit and is mostly agreeable when it comes to mealtime. There are things she summarily refuses which drives me to distraction sometimes as I’ve slaved over it, but there you go. We don’t like everything that’s put before us, do we?  When Little Miss first entered the weaning stage, I happily puréed and froze away. The freezer compartment was chock-a-block of cubes of vegetable purées and tiny savory meals. She did really well with most meal offerings but I was very grateful when we got to the stage where she could start to eat things that we were eating. I used glass ramekins to portion out parts of our meals, froze them and when needed, defrosted and microwaved them for her meals. Easy peasy! I admit, 14 months in now, I’m struggling for inspiration now which is why I have turned to Annabel Karmel and her Top 100 Finger Foods for Little Miss’ meals. We’ve tried a few and find them quite delightful … they’re not just for kids!  I am proud to say that Little Miss does not have added salt or sugar in her diet, has only JUST tasted Spaghetti Hoops (hated it, thankfully) and has only had a mere hint of chocolate. We’re trying to keep her untainted for as long as possible. Ice cream? Well…yes…she’s been known to have a bit of a 99 (not the Flake mind) and a Mini-Milk but it’s summer…how can you refuse?!

I will become a Stay At Home Mum: When I began my maternity leave, 6 weeks before Little Miss decided to make an appearance, I secretly bid adieu to my working life as I was SURE that I wouldn’t be returning. My husband and I could make it on one income couldn’t we? Well, it turns out that we can BUT, we don’t have much to live on. Thankfully, my husband wholeheartedly supported my desire to stay at home and the costs of childcare and transportation to and from my previous job virtually cancelled out the option of going back to work. We wanted to give our Little Miss a wonderful home life and be here for all of the milestones. And we have. It’s not easy, living on one income even when my husband did get a pay rise. We don’t do much of anything anymore – a take-away maybe once a month, no movies, no dinners out, no random purchases for ourselves. It’s all for Little Miss now and most of that needs to be free! But we’re making it, just. And some of the FREELANCE work (aren’t I special?) that I have started doing is actually paying MONEY so that helps with the groceries. I don’t know how other Mummies who go back to work do it. I’m sorry for them (if they want me to be!) as they are missing out on the day to day bliss of being a Mummy but they also reclaim a bit of their pre-Mummy self which is healthy. I know that me staying home with Little Miss works for us and I’ve never been happier.

I WILL NEVER DO…

Give my daughter a dummy: Oh, well, that lasted about 2 weeks. I HATE it when you see 3 year olds, riding in a pushchair with a dummy plugged in, talking through it to their Mummy. Horrible! I decided, “No, Little Miss shall not need a dummy”. Oops … wrong again. I didn’t purchase a dummy, mind you. There was a lovely, clear Avent dummy in our Avent steriliser that hubby had to spontaneously purchase while we were in hospital. I looked at it after we got home and thought, “Oh, how nice – we won’t need that though”. And then came a crying jag and refusal to settle and go to sleep and in a moment of despair I thought “Hey, there’s that dummy, why don’t we give it a go”. And bingo … it worked! Little Miss is a “sucky” child and NEEDS her dummy to settle properly. I know, I shouldn’t do it. Experts…blahdeblahdeblah… But, I do not let Little Miss walk around with her dummy in and she pretty much only has it in the following places/situations: in the car, at naps and at bedtime.  And that’s it really! I will not be that Mummy, pushing 3 year old Little Miss as she chews on her dummy. When the time comes, we’ll have the Dummy Fairy come and exchange her dummy for something else. I SWEAR! Until then, it keeps her happy and soothed and that’s all I care about- a happy baby is worth a lot!

Bring our Daughter into our bed: I didn’t plan on having Little Miss snuggled between us or sharing a bed with her when she has her night-time teething horrors but needs must. Our night-time struggles have gotten worse as Little Miss has gotten older and repeatedly getting up in the wee hours and hanging over the edge of the crib just doesn’t work after a while. So, yes, I bring Little Miss in with us which generally means I don’t get a totally restful sleep but really, I don’t remember the last time I had a restful sleep since she entered our lives. But, the bottom line is, Little Miss sleeps and that’s what really matters. I know I won’t be able to refuse her when she’s older and appears at our bedside either. But is that such a bad thing? I think not.

I will not be OCD about my Daughter getting dirty!: Well, I am OCD. Not clinically mind you, and to those of you who are, I am not poking fun…don’t be angry with me! But I do like a clean Little Miss. My hubby, knowing my love of cleanliness, reminds me constantly to let Little Miss be – let her get dirty! I do let her get dirty but I’m right there with the wipes to put her back to normal. I regret to say that now, when Little Miss gets messy hands, she does hold her hands up to me to wipe. Bless. Is this a bad thing? Don’t know, she has remained relatively germ-free which I think has contributed to her considerable health in her first 14 months of life. But I should lighten up and let her PLAY and be MESSY. I need to work on this!

So, there are a few items that I vowed to never do or swore that I would do. It is amazing to see what you SAY you’re going to do BEFORE baby arrives and then to appreciate what REALITY is. What about you? Have you also said something you swore you’d never say – “Mummy said so”? Have you “lied” to your child to get them to do what you want? Please share!