Testing the Waters

Since being diagnosed with PND, I’ve noticed that not only have I had an emotional meltdown of sorts but I have almost totally lost confidence in myself. I’ve lost confidence in myself as a woman, a wife, a mother and a writer.

I’ve got very low self-esteem at the moment due to my physical self and not being happy with the way I look. I kind of stopped looking in mirrors and rarely wear makeup unless we’re going out in public. It’s not like I don’t think I deserve to, it’s just that I have little interest in myself. I’ve tried to make more of an effort since getting on the tablets but I still am wary of being out in public and people thinking that I’m pregnant. I so badly want to get back in shape but with my pneumonia still lingering I’ve not been able to walk more than around the house so starting a walking programme is not on the agenda at the moment. Having 2 separate people ask you if you’re expecting again doesn’t do much for your self-confidence at the best of times.

Thankfully I’ve not had any problems bonding with Sam and the one thing I know I can do is care for him. At times I’ve felt like caring for Sam is the only thing I can do well. This is a good thing, I believe. I’ve worried about my relationship with Ella as I’ve been far less patient and definitely not as fun as I could be but in the last week that has improved dramatically. Unfortunately due to my illness we couldn’t have as much “out and about” fun as I would have liked but we spent quality time together and that’s just as important.

I’ve felt my confidence in my writing slip quite a bit as well. Possibly because I wasn’t writing as much with my self-imposed blogging sabbatical but I’m not entirely sure that I have it as a writer any more. I read other blogs and I think “Crikey, why am I even trying!” But then again, just because I’m not the J.K. Rowling of the blogging world, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to write, does it? I’m trying to get the “chutzpah” to start pitching some freelance writing but feel like I have no clue where to start. Am I good enough to write about more than just Ella and Sam? This is what I have to find out.

Why is it that PND eeks away your confidence? Maybe the depression exposes the weakness behind the formerly strong person? Maybe becoming isolated makes you feel less worthy? Maybe I just need to jump with both feet and try testing the waters? What’s the worst that could happen?

5 thoughts on “Testing the Waters

  • 17/04/2012 at 7:09 pm

    Sorry to hear you’re in a bad place at the moment. I think (PND or not) every mother feels exactly the same after giving birth – clothes don’t fit, being asked when you’re due (I would just make up a date rather than say here is the baby and point to the little fella, feel unattractive etc. It will all come good in the end I promise. As to feeling like you’re short changing your girl – my husband used to say to me stop feeling guilty they’ve all had you to themselves for big periods of time. This is very true – my son had 2 years of just us, my daughter had time when he started to school so we had time together after pre-school etc and the same for my youngest he has me all tohimself whilst hte other 2 are at school. You’re doing a grand job and you’ve been really sick too which really doesn’t help matters. And finally re the blogging – its all a load of bollocks anyway!!! xxxx

  • 17/04/2012 at 7:10 pm

    I’ve read a few blog posts like this one recently, and I suffered with PND myself, so I fully understand where you are coming from.

    Although there is no magic wand and no one size fits all answer I do know that PND disappears just as suddenly as it arrives. Maybe tomorrow will be that day?


  • 17/04/2012 at 7:14 pm

    I can so relate to this post. I have been dealing with depression on and off for the past 15yrs, and I suffered bad PND after the birth of my first child. I am currently going throw a very low point and have no confidence in myself or my abilities, much like you.

    It is hard, but you can overcome this. I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel so many times. Give the medication time and you will start to get better in yourself and your confidence will grow. Remember you are getting over a bad illness, so give it time.

    You are a fab mum and a great blogger!! Just believe!

  • 17/04/2012 at 7:17 pm

    I really do think you can feel like you have completely disappeared as a person when you become a mum wheather you suffer from PND or not. You have to hold onto the you, you were before children which can be very hard. You are a excellent communicator/writer, so jump.

  • 20/04/2012 at 8:46 pm

    I can’t imagine how you feel – but what I can say is that I love your writing; your posts are informative, funny, moving, whatever you wish to convey to your readers. I enjoy reading them when I get the time (which isn’t enough I admit), so please hang on to that. I am sure it all seems so unreal at the moment, but I have only been blogging since February and your thoughts have often given my inspiration to get cracking with that next post. Don’t give up. P.S. Hope that all didn’t sound too cheesy, but I wanted to write something!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *