Testing the Waters

Apr 17th

Since being diagnosed with PND, I’ve noticed that not only have I had an emotional meltdown of sorts but I have almost totally lost confidence in myself. I’ve lost confidence in myself as a woman, a wife, a mother and a writer.

I’ve got very low self-esteem at the moment due to my physical self and not being happy with the way I look. I kind of stopped looking in mirrors and rarely wear makeup unless we’re going out in public. It’s not like I don’t think I deserve to, it’s just that I have little interest in myself. I’ve tried to make more of an effort since getting on the tablets but I still am wary of being out in public and people thinking that I’m pregnant. I so badly want to get back in shape but with my pneumonia still lingering I’ve not been able to walk more than around the house so starting a walking programme is not on the agenda at the moment. Having 2 separate people ask you if you’re expecting again doesn’t do much for your self-confidence at the best of times.

Thankfully I’ve not had any problems bonding with Sam and the one thing I know I can do is care for him. At times I’ve felt like caring for Sam is the only thing I can do well. This is a good thing, I believe. I’ve worried about my relationship with Ella as I’ve been far less patient and definitely not as fun as I could be but in the last week that has improved dramatically. Unfortunately due to my illness we couldn’t have as much “out and about” fun as I would have liked but we spent quality time together and that’s just as important.

I’ve felt my confidence in my writing slip quite a bit as well. Possibly because I wasn’t writing as much with my self-imposed blogging sabbatical but I’m not entirely sure that I have it as a writer any more. I read other blogs and I think “Crikey, why am I even trying!” But then again, just because I’m not the J.K. Rowling of the blogging world, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to write, does it? I’m trying to get the “chutzpah” to start pitching some freelance writing but feel like I have no clue where to start. Am I good enough to write about more than just Ella and Sam? This is what I have to find out.

Why is it that PND eeks away your confidence? Maybe the depression exposes the weakness behind the formerly strong person? Maybe becoming isolated makes you feel less worthy? Maybe I just need to jump with both feet and try testing the waters? What’s the worst that could happen?

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