In about 30 minutes the Health Visitor is supposed to be coming for a home visit. Not to visit Sam, although if he’s awake I’m sure she’ll check on him as well, but to visit me. You may or may not recall but I have PND. I’ve taken the steps that I am supposed to take, contacted the health visitor who made this appointment with me two weeks ago and began taking anti-depressants on Saturday. Quite a few steps toward reclaiming myself in the last few weeks I would say. Welcome to my PND journey!
Suddenly I find myself looking around the house wondering if I should have cleaned and tidied a bit more? Is she going to be inspecting my laundry pile on the dining table? Maybe I should have cleaned the bathroom? I’m looking at the collection of bits and bobs on top of the Expedit storage unit in the kitchen and thinking that I really should throw some of those things away. Maybe having an impending visit from the Health Visitor is a good kick start for Spring Cleaning?
Since starting the anti-depressants on Saturday I’ve noticed some side effects. Not having taken anti-depressants before, I’m not sure if this is normal but they are listed on the information in the packet. On Saturday I took the tablet at breakfast time. I felt really tired and slightly nauseous for the rest of the day. I also felt vaguely “out of it” for lack of a better medical term. A friend suggested that I take the tablet at bed time so any side effects would go relatively unnoticed as I would (hopefully) be sleeping. I have done that the last 3 days and have not felt nauseous. I have continued to feel a bit groggy and tired. Perhaps that’s the desired effect? If you’re all mellow and sleepy, maybe you won’t panic or be anxious?? If anyone can advise me on this, please do!
After furious tidying, spraying of Dettol, sudden organising of storage unit and perking up of Sam, I welcome the Health Visitor into our kitchen for a chat…
Well, what do you know…that wasn’t half bad. In fact, it was downright pleasant. The Health Visitor was lovely and asked loads of questions about me, my support system, how I was feeling. The GP that I saw on Saturday had spoken to her as well which was interesting to know that the lines of communication are open. The Health Visitor asked me questions about my pregnancy and birth and helped me to realise that all of the things that have occurred since 21 November, when I went into hospital with a placenta praevia slight bleed have led to this point.
I also realised many other factors have led to this point:
- Stressful hospital stay
- Emergency Caesarian Section (although as calm as “emergency” could have been)
- Short stay in hospital
- Jumping back into life as Mum to TWO
- Pushing my recovery a bit too much resulting in blood loss and a kidney infection
- Family arriving 3 weeks post delivery for Christmas
- Christmas & New Year’s
- Everyone leaving & Ella going back to school at the beginning of January
Suddenly, in January, I realised that I was all alone. Ella was at school 3 days of the week, family had all gone back to their lives, friends were few and far between and there we were…just Sam and me. I tried to jump back into freelance work to prove that I could. I didn’t need a break! I was working from home. I should be able to do this.
Turns out, I couldn’t! But I’ve taken the first steps by going to the GP, seeing the Health Visitor, getting anti-depressants and ACCEPTING that I can’t do it alone. I’m still a good mum, a good person and a good wife. I just need a bit of support. And I’m getting that from my husband, family and the good old NHS. Go figure!
I can’t wave a magic wand (although I wish I could) but I’m getting there. Thanks for your support along the way. I’ll now turn the blog back over to my lovely #loveyouforever guest bloggers for the rest of the month. I’ll be back with my own #loveyouforever letter on 31 March and then normal service should resume from Cafe Bebe as of 1 April. Thanks for coming with me on my PND journey.