Coping

Feb 7, 2012 by cafebebemama

It’s been ten weeks so far. Ten weeks since Sam brightened our days and joined our happy family. It’s been ten weeks of learning and ten weeks of coping. I’m learning that I’m not coping all that well, to be honest. I have learned that I am not strong. I’m pretty weak when it comes right down to it and I’m pretty quiet about that weakness as well.

We want everyone to think that we are fine? Why shouldn’t I be fine? I have a healthy, growing, lovely baby boy who is precious and wonderful. I have a fantastically independent, clever and vocal daughter who makes me smile and my heart swell with pride every day. I have a lovely husband for whom I crossed an ocean to find and who makes me happier than I ever thought possible. I should be fine.

In many ways I am fine but I’m lonely. As much as I adore Sam, I’m finding the 24/7 draining yet the idea of separating from him is difficult as well. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays Ella is in preschool for 6 hours. I am grateful for that time. Ella is stimulated, educated and entertained by someone other than me, I get six hours to spend with Sam and try to get my work done. I love those 6 hours BUT I also find them very lonely. The house is quiet (except for This Morning on the telly from 10:30-12:30) which seems to emphasize the loneliness. I could get out of the house but when you have no one to go out with, that prospect isn’t very inspiring. I also let things get to me. I seem to blow small things out of proportion and let them affect me more than they should, particularly with regard to my work.

I know I need to get out more. I know I need to exercise more and do things for me to make me feel good. But when you have a ten week old baby, that’s easier said than done. I thought this would be so easy. Everyone else seems to just roll with it and get on. Why shouldn’t I? The other day my inlaws stopped by for a visit. I was dressed in my usual uniform these days…leggings, loose t-shirt, hair scraped back with a headband because I desperately need a haircut but can’t take the time to make an appointment and no makeup. Sam was just about to go to sleep after an early evening bottle but with the arrival of Nanny & Grandad that went out the window and he quickly got overtired and irritable. I was short-tempered and frustrated with Ella who was whirling and twirling about because Nanny and Grandad were there. My mother-in-law asked me “What have you done today?” (in a very nice & making small talk kind of way) and I thought about it and stared at her. I had no idea what I had done all day.

Ella had been at school for her usual shift, I had managed to get the kids dressed and fed and the kitchen was clean with the dishwasher unloaded. I had done a couple of blog posts and done my freelance social media work. I had eaten lunch. But what had I ACCOMPLISHED??? In the eyes of my mother-in-law, probably not much! The shelves needed to be dusted, the carpet needed to be vacuumed, there was a pile of laundry on the table that needed to be folded. The bed linens really could have stood to be changed and the bathroom could have used a good scrub. Sam’s room was still in a state of disarray and there were a million other little projects that I could have done. But I couldn’t find anything to say to my mother-in-law. I just looked at her and said “Um, well, not much”. I didn’t even have dinner started. I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be making for dinner.

I’m not really sure what I need to do. I think I maybe have the “baby blues” and could use some help. Unfortunately, I have very little faith in the GP’s and Health Visitors at my surgery so I don’t really have a medical person to confide in. Perhaps I just need to go in and speak to someone, regardless? Maybe I just need a happy pill to take some of the “blah” out of me because that’s what I feel like right now. Blah. Are there happy pills to take the blah away?

This motherhood thing? Not so easy after all!