I’ve lost my girl
I’m a bit sad. On Boxing Day, after a VERY long Christmas Day and too early rising in the morning, I suggested to Ella, at 3:30pm, that it was time to have a nap. Mark was holding Sam so I told Ella that I would take her up to her room and read her one of her new stories that she received for Christmas. She winged and cried and didn’t want to go. Mark said, “How about if Daddy takes you up to read to you?” and Ella snuggled up to him and said, “OK Daddy.” Weep. I’ve lost her. I’ve lost my girl.
Ella and I have always been close. This is mainly because we have spent virtually every minute together until Ella started school this year. Ella was always a “Mummy’s Girl” no matter what. This was most definitely the case whenever she wasn’t feeling well or if she hurt herself. This killed Mark. He hated that Ella turned to me. He wasn’t cross with either of us but wanted to be able to comfort her as well.
We’ve gone through fits of Ella being more of a Daddy’s girl but I never well and truly lost her until I went into hospital before Sam’s birth. In a sense, me going into hospital and being away from Mark and Ella for 6 days was a wonderful thing. Mark became her port of call. Mummy was relegated to “sloppy seconds” which, in some ways was good because it freed me up to tend to Sam. Mark has admitted that he finds it diffcult to cope with the “baby stuff” because it’s not as easy to solve a crying baby’s problems. Mark gets nervous when Sam starts crying which is understandable. Now he can solve Ella’s problems and feel valued and needed.
However, I feel like I have lost my girl. We clash a lot these days. My patience level is not what it used to be (can’t think WHY that might be???) and Ella’s listening ears seem to have lost their ability to function. I need to remember to give her some slack. I need to remember that Ella needs my time and attention as well. I need to remember to take special time for Ella and Mummy and let Daddy build a relationship with Sam. But in the meantime, I am a bit sad. I’ve lost a bit of my girl and would appreciate any advice or suggestions you could offer.
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I went through the same thing with my three older children each time a sibling was born and it is really hard. My now 7th old was the worst, he literally “hated” me for a few months and I was so hormonal it made me really sad. Now we are really close again. Kids do go through phases where they “prefer” one parent and they also learn to play it as well, but they still love you and as bebe grows a bit, she will be back!
Before Noah, Isla was always daddy’s girl & for the first month after he arrived she was even more so. She would see daddy with Noah and say give baby to mummy. But I would say after a month we became even closer. This is because whenever daddy was around he would take Noah and insist Isla and I did stuff together. I’d also make room for her to cuddle up when I was feeding and always tend to her needs first over Noah’s after all when they are small they don’t know too much. I still carried on with all her playdates/ music group etc and he just gets ferried around to them & has to fit in. I’d say your loss is very temporary & you will work out a way to get your girl back. I did and she’s even more my girl than she was pre-Noah! (well apart from at bedtime when I’m still not allowed to put her to bed!!!) big hugs xxx
You’ve not lost her! You’ve just had a new baby and the family dynamics have changed. And they will change constantly throughout your lives. The close bond that you and your daughter shared is still there will be felt again. You have laid a strong foundation with her and she knows that you are there for her and love her. It is so nice that you have a good partner who is able to offer your daughter comfort while you are with the baby. I still struggle to find individual time for each of my three kids, but it’s very important. Even if the baby is not easily comforted by his Dad, perhaps making a time each day for him to have the baby out of your earshot so that you can spend time with your girl will help you and her feel comforted that you still have eachother. Welcome to multi parenting:-)
These are things about having a second child that no-one tells you about isn’t it?! I have to say that I’ve experienced the reverse of this. Because I was lucky enough to be in and out of hospital in the same day, there wasn’t really an opportunity for it to just be Sophia and Daddy and so she became quite jealous of the time I had to spend with the new baby, feeding / changing him etc. I tried hard to give her special one-to-one time but we did both find it difficult at times.
I think it can be hard for an older child to adjust to there being a new member of the family, especially if they’ve been the centre of your world up until then. Give her time, it won’t last forever. The things that Sophia enjoyed doing was little things that made her feel valued; getting the baby wipes for me, picking out a clean nappy for Dexter to wear or helping me to bathe him. Then, as Dexter got older, she became much more patient towards him and now finds him hilarious when he’s crawling around. She is also more loving towards her Daddy now too – I think she has realised that it’s okay to spread her love around and doesn’t have to focus on just one person. So, although Ella is a ‘Daddy’s girl’ at the moment, she will come back to you. She’ll always need her Mummy xx
Laura nailed it. We have 4 and each one changed ‘shape’ of our family. Lou was 2 when
jo came along and being a helper really did help. When Ash arrived (with a heap’o disabilities) both girls rolled up their sleeves and mucked in. Cerys’ arrival was the easiest as the older girls even offered to change her nappies!
We still get on better with different children. Jo and Ash are ‘mine’ andLou and Cerys are Gill’s. We are the early risers, they are the late night crew. We eat anything and they are fussy.
BUT Gill knows how to calm Ashley best and I ‘get’ Lou when Gill and her fall out.
The bigger the family, the more interesting the dynamic. And it keeps on changing as the kids develop.
I have no advice to offer but really wanted to comment as this post has made me so sad. You’ve basically written down one of my biggest fears when it comes to having a new baby. My daughter has never been a Mummy’s Girl as such but she and I are incredibly close. Because I’ve been at home with her it’s been just me and her together for three years and we really do have a really strong bond. Like you it’s always me she turns to when she’s hurt or if she wakes in the night. I always call her my little best friend. I do get scared that when the new baby comes along things will change. At the moment she’s really excited about becoming a big sister but I hope the reality is the same. I hope I can still give her all the love and attention she deserves. I shall be watching the comments to this post with interest. And I hope that you can find a really happy dynamic for your family.
No no no! You have not lost her. She is confused about who is her main man at the moment that is all. She is trying out Daddy, because she knows that you have to be there for Sam. It is heartbreaking, and just a time when you are least able to cope with it. But it will pass. I was devastated when GG turned to her Dad whilst I was pregnant, and it went on for a while, but once the Bug became more independent she came back to me, and wants me more than ever. We have phases though – sometimes she wants him more, sometimes me. I think it is all part of growing up and figuring out what each relationship is about. I love that she gets different things from him now, but she knows she needs to come to me for others. Don’t worry, she’ll be back