Dear So and So: The Hormonal Pregnant Lady Edition

Sep 15, 2011 by cafebebemama

My fellow American, Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow, started a weekly feature an age ago. It’s called “Dear So and So…” and it’s to allow for ranting, happiness and all other means of self-expression. I have participated in the wonderful venting session that is “Dear So and So” a few times but I feel the need to vent again. Excuse the mood…I am 28 weeks pregnant, rather huge, rather uncomfortable and rather ranty. I need to stay away from the video camera so you get this instead. Stand back…

Dear GP,

You are a numpty. You made me give you a wee sample last week which is difficult enough at the best of times but YOU try weeing into a tube the diameter of a 10p coin when you can’t even see between your legs anymore! But I digress. You SHOULD have sent that sample off to the lab then to determine what sorts of bacteria were present so we knew that I was on the right antibiotics. But you didn’t did you? Instead you ASS-U-MEd that the “blanket” antibiotic you prescribed me would cure me of my very painful kidney infection. Well, we all know what happens when we ASS-U-ME. I am not better, you did not send the sample so now we have to start all over again thus keeping me in discomfort, pain and HIGH levels of irritation. All great practise for a pregnant woman, no? YOU SUCK. And while we’re at it, I know you have government targets of not spending more than 11 minutes with a patient BUT when you only give me 2 minutes of your time, I highly doubt that you get 9 minutes worth of a bonus in your paycheck for doing so. Consider asking what OTHER symptoms I have, consider asking me HOW I feel, consider letting me actually WARM the seat before turfing me out so you can get home sooner.

Thanks for your caring bedside manner,

Mrs. Joyce

Dear Midwife,

Repeatedly telling me that “Sorry love, I’m not a doctor” and “Oh, love, that’s just part of being pregnant” does not help me in any way, shape or form. In fact, it only serves to infuriate me more. I know that you are stretched to the limit. I know that you have more “patients” than is fit to have. I know that you really could care less about the women you see but COME ON. I’ve complained once about you and you know I’m poised to do it again. You are not doing much to give me confidence in midwifery in the UK you know. Make an effort today, please. If you don’t, there will be considerable shouting at today’s appointment. And it won’t be coming from you.

Tersely,

Mrs. I-Know-I’m-Not-The-Only-Person-Who’s-Ever-Been-Pregnant-in-the-UK

Dear PR,

My name is not Elisabeth. I do not have hamsters, mice or gerbils. I do not want to have a residence for hamsters, mice or gerbils in my home. Get your research straight.

Have a nice day,

Cafe Bebe

Dear Cold Caller/Telemarketer,

No, Mrs Hayley Joyce is not at home. Why? Because my husband divorced her 7 years ago. She has not lived here for 9 years. I do not appreciate you ringing this home and asking for my husband’s ex-wife. She is someone else’s wife now. Find her there. Do not ever ring this number again unless you wish to have your head bit off another time because you know I will do it. And while we’re at it, this number is registered with the TPS. Give me your company name and number so I can report you and you can be issued with the LARGE fine that you deserve for ringing a number that you shouldn’t be ringing.

Take that,

Mrs. KARIN Joyce

Whew, I feel a bit better now. I could go on…believe me. But then you’d think that I was more insane than you already do so I’ll table the rest of the venting for another day. I’m suggesting that everyone tiptoe around me for at least another day or two. I may feel differently come Saturday. Thanks for listening…resume normal activity now.