Fear of Breastfeeding?
On Tuesday I went to our local Mothercare store in Peterborough for a #mummymeetup with about 14 other Midlands Mummy Bloggers. It was a great opportunity to get together with bloggers from the area and meet Mothercare representatives. In addition, there was a Medela representative there to give us a bit of a talk about breastfeeding. Unfortunately I was the only pregnant mum in the room so the breastfeeding talk was not as relevant for everyone else. However, as the children played in the middle of our seating area and the breastfeeding talk commenced, I began to get very uncomfortable. Anxious even. Hearing about how, why, where, when, etc., etc., etc., started the over-active imagination in my brain to whirl. I think my heart rate even picked up. I started looking around for things to distract me; using Twitter and anything else on my BlackBerry to take my attention away from what was going on around me. I was quietly freaking out.
You see, I believe I have a fear of breastfeeding. I tried to breastfeed Ella in 2008 which didn’t work at all. We had a lot of factors against us: loads of drugs in me for labour/delivery, emergency c-section, massive loss of blood (me), general lack of interest to feed (Ella), latching on difficulties, overly warm hospital and very stressed out new mum, militant midwives who molested me, my boobs and Ella. I was fully expecting to breastfeed successfully. It did not happen. I was slightly devastated but also desperate to get out of hospital and home. We chose formula feeding and never looked back. But me being me, felt guilty and angry.
I still have a lot of anger. I’m more angry about the way non-breastfeeding mums seem to be made to feel by the breastfeeding militia. Ella grew up to be a very strong, healthy and adorable girl thanks to formula. She has no food allergies or eczema or asthma. She has always been in the 50th-75th centile for weight and height, has no health issues and, in fact, has barely been sick more than a handful of days in her 3 years on this planet. Formula worked for us.
The second time around I’m again feeling the pressure to breastfeed and it’s seriously starting to make me anxious. Anxious not just about “failing” but also about succeeding! Through Twitter and blogging, I read about a lot of women and their struggles and pain and frustrations with breastfeeding. This is the reality. It’s not easy to breastfeed. It’s a skill that has to be learned and will only improve over time and with practise. I don’t know if I’m made of strong enough stuff to succeed. I’m afraid of sitting up for hours on end with the baby attached to a boob, of the “toe-curling” pain that people talk about, of mastitis, of not having enough milk supply, of not knowing how much my baby is getting, of my baby not thriving, of failure eventually. I know, I know…nice negative thoughts Karin. But I can’t help it. Over-analysing and fretting is what I do best.
I don’t know what to do with Bebe number two. Should I try to breastfeed? Should I say no from the get-go? Should I just see how we go and take one day at a time? I don’t know! But I do know that it worries me. Sitting in a room listening to a talk about breastfeeding shouldn’t make me want to run out screaming, should it?
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I say give it a go, you might be surprised. My 2 were chalk and cheese. My first fed like a trooper, no-one had to show us anything he just fed. It was a cinch and so convenient.
Friends of mine had difficulties feeding, so I knew that I was lucky.
Second time around, I really thought it would be the same. Noooooooo…. she would not attach. I had to see “lactation consultants” which I never even knew existed. I kept waiting for her to “get it” and for it to be as easy as it was with my first. After a couple of months she was feeding but just from one side. She wouldn’t take a bottle or formula, so at 6 months she went onto cows milk from a cup.
I hope you have a good feeder, but moreso I hope you have a happy and healthy baby.
I should be the Breastfeeding militia – breastfed Taylor until he self-weaned at 18 months & hope to do the something similar with Milo. Not bad for a girl who said she was only going to breastfeed for the first 6 weeks! I’m a peer supporter & passionately believe in breastfeeding. BUT I also know it doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes (as in your case) there are extenuating (sp?) circumstances that you cannot predict or allow for, some people just don’t want to. I’m not going to berate mothers who choose not to breastfeed; as long as you’re feeding your baby that’s the main thing to me. I have been truly blessed. Both my boys latched straight away & gained weight beautifully. I have rarely had sore nipples & touch wood have never had blocked ducts, engorgement, mastitis. I’m well aware that I’m very very lucky.
The other trouble is (like so many things with pregnancy, birth, motherhood, life in general) it is not the positive stories that sell; it’s the horror stories, the pain, the cracked nipples, feeding for 12 hours straight & baby still hungry, the mastitis, the woman hounded out of a cafe for Breastfeeding or the militant health care professionals making mothers feel like failures.
My advice to you Karin my love would be try if you want to then take it one day at a time. If it works for you this time brilliant, if not you know from Ella it is NOT the end of the world. In 15 years time no one is going to demanding to know how your infant children were fed. Also, find your local Breastfeeding support group – NCT, La Leche League often run them & your local childrens centre may well do one. Peer supporters are (in my experience) not all hair shirt wearing hippies & in fact just want to help women get over the same issues they had. Any group will happily see you antenatally & in the early days can be a huge support.
I’m rambling (sorry sleep deprived) but wanted to send you love & support whatever you decide to do.
Oh Karin, I wish you had said something, there were more of us feeling like that (and I’m not even pregnant with my second!), I was going through just that in my mind: reliving my awful breastfeeding experience, the decision to put LittleT on formula and the guilt I still feel 14 months on (does it ever go away I wonder) and immediately thought of what I would do next time and fear creeped in.
I did notice you getting the phone out and typing away but didn’t put two and two together, I should have! I was lucky to have Carol next to me, she was very brave to speak up. I asked her at one point whether it still made her feel uneasy and she said yes, it immediately made me feel better.
I say go with your instinct (make sure you listen to it, fear may cover it but it is there always), don’t take any firm decisions until you have your gorgeous new baby in your arms but have a plan in place covering both breastfeeding and formula and be sure at every step that you are doing the right thing whatever you end up doing. Above all, do the right thing for your little family.
My sister-in-law had had trouble breastfeeding her first so she told me, when I was pregnant and getting everything together for the baby, to have two cartons of formula at home just in case. They were a lifesaver when the midwife said “We need to give this baby formula now!”, otherwise LittleT would have ended up in hospital because her mummy didn’t have any milk, no wonder feeding times had turned into such wrestling matches.
I know what I’m like so I think that with the second one I would still try breastfeeding and see how it goes (so I don’t regret it later) but I would be more assertive, confident and less distraught with formula feeding as I already have (like you do) a very healthy formula-fed baby at home. I have heard plenty of cases of women who have gone on to successfully breastfeed their second (SIL included).
Just do what is right for you and make sure you enjoy your new baby
PS – I vote for a mummy support group for women like us!
I really feel for you. I managed to breastfeed my two and I’m glad I did but getting started was truly the hardest thing about parenting so far. I’m not ashamed to say I was so close to stopping with both of them and have nothing but sympathy for people who do. I also (much to the disapproval of numerous people) gave both boys one bottle of formula a day (in the evenings when supply was low) from about 4/5 weeks and it doesn’t seem to have done them any harm whatsoever. I thought my c-section might have made it harder but to be honest I found it just as bad the second time after a natural delivery, sorry
. One thing I did learn second time round is that, contrary to what I was being told, I could stop for 24 hours and give my poor bleeding nipples a chance to recover without my milk drying up.
I do think ‘breast is best’ but by such a small margin that when you take into account the stress, pain and problems involved it’s not always the right choice for everyone. Whichever route you choose Bebe will be fine so I think it’s more about how you feel about it. Don’t let it (and other people) make you miserable either way. Good luck!
I never even attempted breast feeding Amy and had no intention to. No one ever asked me about it and I honestly don’t remember getting pressurised into trying it. I would have refused if they had anyway. Formula worked for Amy, too. SMA. She thrived on it and is now a very strong and healthy eleven year old with no allergies. I actually get quite cross when mums are made to feel guilty for not breast feeding. It should be a choice. Not a compulsory aspect of having a baby. I don’t think breast is best. I never have and never will. There are far too many mums talking about failing just because they find it difficult. Failing is when they’ve abused their child or committed some other such horrifying action. It doesn’t matter whether a mum breastfeeds or bottle feeds, they should never ever be made to feel a failure by media, midwives and health visitors, nor by posters and campaigners.
Sorry, I shall get off my soap box now!!!
CJ xx
I agree with CrystalJigsaw. I’ve breast and formula fed both my babies (born big and very hungry!) from day 1. I remember the horrible guilt that I felt at the time – no mother should be made to feel like this. I’d say give it a go but if it doesn’t work out then do not beat yourself up about it. (I was once attacked on an online forum for suggesting that a happy mother = a happy baby!) Unfortunately breastfeeding isn’t the most natural thing in the world – it takes pain and practice and anyone who suggests otherwise is talking rubbish. I struggled horribly in the early days and discovered a technique called ‘biological nurturing’ which helped all click into place. I wrote an article on it – let me know if you’d like me to email it to you. X
If I were you ‘d give it a go but don’t get to work up if it doesn’t work out. I could only feed all of mine from the breast for a couple of weeks as I had an over-production of milk. There’s so many pro-breastfeeding groups and forums and it gets promoted so much by midwives that it leaves many mums feeling guilty or failures unnecessarily.
Don’t get me wrong , breast is good but I hate the slogan ‘breast is best’. Us mothers have daft amounts of pressure put upon us from the minute we find out we are pregnant and breast feeding is a huge pressure.
I’m all for a positive bottle feeding group ! x
Oh the breast feeding mafia, got to love them… Do what you want to do and makes you happy, as happy mum makes for happy baby. It is a personal choice and something no one should feel be made to feel guilty about. I found the whole logistics the second time round hard, trying to breast feed and looking after a 3 year old just didn’t work so he went straight to a bottle. Worked for us all…
I formula fed all my four girls, they all had their first feeds from the breast but it just didn’t work out so for us bottle was best.
I tried again when Freddie was born and he just fed and kept going, I managed to breast feed Freddie till he was 10 months old when he self weaned. I’m really glad to have experienced breast and bottle and at the end of the day happy mummy=happy baby.
I’d say give it a go with new bebe and if it’s works out fantastic and if not then it doesn’t matter
there is no difference between my girls and my son they’re all happy and healthy from formula and breast 
xxx
I fully intended to breastfeed my baby. He was born underweight and Dr recommended that he has formula for his first two feeds. And then I lost my nerve. The only person who made me feel like crap for not breastfeeding was MIL. She asked me why I wasn’t doing what was best for my child. V will be 1 in two weeks, he is happy and healthy and as far as I’m concerned – I did do what was best for him!
I already know I will formula feed my future babies
Oh, it sounds like you’re feeling much like I felt when I was pregnant with the geekson. I failed to feed the geekdaughter, but I think in a way that gave me the confidence to make the right decision with the geekson. I tried it with him, it didn’t work again, and so this time rather than driving myself into a terrible state trying to get it to work, I gave him a bottle and didn’t feel at all guilty about it.
The best you can do is your best. I look at my kids, and I know I tried breastfeeding, but it didn’t work. I did the best thing for both of them. The best you can do is try.
I had my own rant about the breastfeeding mafia on my blog, please remove this link if you don’t want links in your comments: http://www.geekmummy.com/2011/05/my-breastfeeding-rant/
I didn’t attempt to breastfeed either of mine, not something I will ever regret or apologise for. That was what was right for me and my family at the time. You need to do the same, what is best for you. Don’t spend your pregnancy in fear. If you are really conflicted, be prepared for both – breast and both and see how you feel after the birth. Simple as that – your choice and whatever feels right for you.
Enjoy your pregnancy, it’s a special time x
At the end of the day, it’s a private decision. I think we allow the breastfeeding mafia in, if we feel guilty or defensive. We are women, educated, strong women and we make educated decisions as to what is best for our family.
I expressed for now Mr 2 for 10 very long weeks. My milk supply abruptly ended, but in my case, because he was a very small very early premmie everyone medical wanted me to introduce bottles and formula, I resisted. The moment we caved, discharge planning was in place and we were home within the week.
I’d wait until the baby has come out and then decide, no point making a decision now, and I’d just stick to your guns. You might feel differently once the baby is here. You might not. And that’s ok.
i felt the same when I was pregnant with Kate and in the end I decided not to even try, as the constant worrying about what it would be like second time round was stopping me sleeping and causing me too much stress. As soon as she was born the midwife said I was brave to admit exactly what my choice was and I have not ad one single negative comment from anyone I have seen. Almost the opposite. Only you know what is right for you and your baby.
I always say that I chose not to bf, not that I couldn’t do it. For some reason I feel that distinction is important.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
You need to do what is best for you as s family. A stressed out mum, however you feed is not best for anyone.
If you do try breastfeed take one day at a time, I was aiming for s week, then 10 days etc. Even now I’m still doing it day by day. Get the info, consider your choices, happy mum counts for more than how you feed baby. You don’t even have to decide until baby arrives, pack formula just in case and do whatever feels right at the time.
Don’t let anyone pressure you. I had an emergency section and didnt know that milk comes in later because of it. I was really stressed for a while and then peoples say stress reduces milk supply blah blah… Basically I found it hard. I ended up doing both and suddenly a cloud lifted. I’d found something I was really comfortable with and that made us both happy. Do what you think is right, don’t let anyone make the decision for you.
Too many people feel its ok to judge or offer an opinion when they have not walked in your shoes. It really annoys me. Breastfeeding is one such issue that “old dears” or in fact young dears (!) feel its ok to lecture about.
I was in the unusual situation where my daughter was unsafe to breastfeed, she could not co-ordinate breathing and swallowing. Heartbreaking that I had to stop bf to be honest but I had to, end of. That others question your decision is crass and unhelpful. Easier said than done I know but as others have said, you know whats best for your baby, have confidence in this and your decisions, whatever they may be.
I totally believe if there hadn’t been a change of midwife shift I may not have breastfed. Like you I had an emergency section, lots of drugs, no sleep and felt all those things you describe about my care – I’m still angry when i think back, with the midwife who said to me ‘Are you even sure you want to breastfeed?’ as she manhandled me. But at the change of shift another came along a magic woman with a totally different attitude. It takes longer after a section and support needs to reflect that.
Second time I was confident about stating what I would and wouldn’t accept. For example I refused to be moved to a ward when I wasn’t progressing. I buzzed for help lots more. I would never have let anyone treat me the way some of the midwives did the first time.
It’s a very personal decision and I absolutely respect that. I guess all I am saying is you may find you are very different person second time round (and with a different baby too perhaps!)
Oh Karin, I wish you had said something- I am sorry you felt that way and I did think of you as the only pregnant one in the room! I am still breastfeeding Mads, although not as much now she is having solids but I am certainly not a breastfeeding militant- in fact I am completely the other way. I was a bottle fed baby and there is nothing wrong with me- in fact I have not touch wood been seriously poorly, I don’t have any allergies, I am not obese, etc etc. You need to do whatever you feel comfortable with and there will always be women in every walk of life that judge you for your choices. Just rise above it if they do- people like that are very naive in their thoughts and opinions. If you do decide to give it a go then it has to be because you want too, not because you are feeling pressured. And if you don’t- so what. Your other mini bebe will end up being as cute as Ella!
Big Hugs and enjoy the spa day tomorrow- I am not jealous at all! xx
I know what you mean, if I was to have another I’d possibly not even want to try. (havent thought about it too much as I’m not going to have another!) I was upset that it didn’t work for me at first and felt bad that I maybe didn’t try hard enough but bottle feeding worked well for us and Leo seems fine!
I haven’t really got any useful advice but just had to comment, I did a post recently on bottle feeding and how it worked for me. It does make me a little bit sad when I see so many “pro breastfeeding posts’ – I know it’s good and people should be encouraged but I also think there should be less guilt attached to bottle feeding.
I am having some of the concerns as you, Karin. So far, I’ve just managed to supress they until later (I’m now 19 wks pregnant with no.2, so breastfeeding seems far enough off that I can bury my head in the sand for a little longer!)
I’ve also experienced the breastfeeding militia and boy, are they scary! I tried to feed Little O for as long as I could but I had thrush that just would not go away. The only thing that started to help was giving him one formula feed a day to give my nipples a little longer to recover and for the medicine I had to paint on them that little bit longer to start working. And then Little O was not ababy to be restricted or covered in any way during feeding – he want to be able to look around and take in the view. By the time he was 3 months, one bottle feed a day had become all bottles. But he’s never looked back. Never been underweight (except after illness) and never been too big and chubby, as the breastfeeding militia threatened he would from hid diet of formula.
I sympathise with your fears fully. It’s such an emotive issue and others are so judgmental about it. When it comes down to it, happy mum = happy baby. I think what I will do is have all the formula ready to go but try breastfeeding again. And if it works out, then great. And if not, then I’ve tried. And I will simply block my ears with cotton wool in the presence of the BF militia. (Of course, this is probably a case of famous last words from…)
Good luck with your decision and please remember that whatever you have decided, that is the best decision for you.
I didn’t get chance to comment on this post at the time but I wanted to say just take it as it comes. I had a terrible time feeding my son and I dragged myself through every single day, punishing myself for what was ‘right’, suffering through mastitis and not enjoying a minute of it. Second time round I was determined to try but very open to bottle feeding. My daughter has been a dream to breastfeed, in contrast to my son she just ‘got it’ and fed well from the very start.
I guess what I’m saying is that you did nothing wrong and you’d be doing nothing wrong if you didn’t bf. I wouldn’t plan either way and see how you feel once baby arrives.
Only you can make the decision and there is no wrong or right!
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