Top tips for dealing with Toddler Temper Tantrums

Apr 5, 2011 by cafebebemama

My precious daughter. I love her with all of my heart. But she is trying to control her world. This is clashing dramatically with the expectations of her father and I. We are in the Temper Tantrum zone and it’s not very fun.

Lately we’ve been dealing with a lot more “I can do it myself!” and “I want…” and “No!” This behaviour reared its ugly head a few weekends ago, unfortunately in public. Full on public temper tantrum horriblis. Full on parent guilt and humiliation.

Thankfully I was fortunate enough to be offered a consultation with Pampers Village Parenting Panel expert Annette Karmiloff-Smith. After having viewed my blog/vlog post, Annette had a lot of valuable insight to offer me. One of the surprising things she told me was that it’s actually GOOD that Little Miss is having these tantrums. It means that she’s a fighter and is trying to control her world. If she wasn’t having the occasional tantrum, we should be concerned. I certainly don’t want Little Miss to just lie down and let life walk all over her.

Here are 4 Top Tips for dealing with Toddler Temper Tantrums:

1. YOU ARE THE ADULT! Never let your emotion get the better of you. Your mantra must be: COOL, CALM ADULT! Say it with me…Cool, Calm, Adult…ommmmmm. Basically you want to model the behaviour you expect from your child. Do not react to the situation. If need be, remove your child from the situation to a safe place (naughty step, time out corner, chair) and let them have their moment. Turn your back, do not react, do not try to argue, just give them their time to sort their emotions out. This can be difficult in public but if possible, get them to a place where they can be safe and let it all out. Don’t worry about being embarrassed or of other people’s reactions. All parents have been through it. They won’t think less of you as a parent and what they think doesn’t really matter anyway does it? (I’m trying to learn this lesson!)
2. CONSISTENCY- Whatever you do, be consistent. Don’t treat a tantrum one way one day and another way another day. If you are giving your child consequences for bad behaviour, follow through on them. Children will test you. They want to see just how far they can push it and they will very quickly suss out which parent is the weaker of the two! I remember vividly going to my Dad most of the time when I wanted something. He almost always said yes! (Love you Dad…) Both parents also have to be singing from the same hymnal in this event. I struggle with this a bit because I don’t like to punish my daughter but I think my lack of backbone is what has brought on this stage. She knows that she can push just that ONE MORE time and Mummy will cave. I must do better for her sake. She has to learn that there are consequences for her behaviour.
3. ANALYSE THE CAUSE- What triggers your child’s tantrums? Is it possible to pinpoint what sets them off? For Little Miss I have discovered that tiredness and physical restraint are the two sparks that light her fire. If she’s tired she has far less patience and will snap when pushed. If I try to physically move her or pick her up she turns into a feral child. But think about it from their perspective (thank you Annette)! What if you REALLY wanted something that you’ve wanted for ages and suddenly someone took it from you or physically prevented you from having it? Wouldn’t you lash out? When you’re realy tired, don’t you have far less patience and snap much faster? We know better now (I hope) so we find other ways to get what we want. Toddlers don’t have that experience so we have to help them find ways to deal with their frustration and learn from it. Distraction is always a good method but everyone will develop their own methods for avoiding tantrums. What are yours??
4. FORGIVE- In this mess of emotion and frustration, you have to learn how to forgive YOURSELF and your CHILD when moments like these crop up. There are going to be times when your COOL CALM ADULT mantra fails you and you shout or show emotion. When that happens you must be able to forgive yourself and move on. When your child kicks off in public requiring you to stop everything, bundle them into the car and feel a failure as a parent, you must forgive your child as well. When the temper tantrum is over, let it go. Move on. Find positive in the learning and go forth and play! Chances are it will happen again but you’ll be able to handle it and move on.

These tips have been invaluable to Hubby and me. This past weekend we ventured out and about on Saturday and Sunday and managed to have very successful outings. We gave Little Miss some of the independence she craves, we laid out the expectations for the day and what consequences would occur if she didn’t live up to her end of the bargain and most importantly, followed through on those consequences. We’re getting down to her level (literally), speaking calmly and not over-reacting to the little things. It is working.

We had a big blip this morning, however, but I am very proud to say that I used my mantra (COOL CALM ADULT), didn’t show emotion, removed Little Miss from the situation and didn’t cave to her emotion. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t pretty and it was pretty much exhausting for us both. But we made it through. She had a nap when we got home and I had a Coke. I’m proud of us both. So thank you Annette! We did it! Thank you to Pampers and Fleishman-Hillard for their assistance with our growing pains!

Annette Karmiloff-Smith, is a Professorial Research Fellow at the Birkbeck Centre for Brain and Cognitive Development, University of London where she runs a research team looking into infant and child development. She has over 30 years research experience in many aspects of infant and child development, particularly with respect to language acquisition, social interaction, face processing and problem solving. She works with the Pampers Village Parenting Panel as a guest expert, advising parents on various levels of baby development.