Dear So and So…The Coeliac Edition

Apr 2nd
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I was diagnosed with Coeliac Disease in December of 2010. Coeliac disease is an auto-immune disease…blah, blah, blah… It means that I CAN NEVER EAT ANYTHING WITH GLUTEN IN IT AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! Was I shouting there? Oh, sorry. Sometimes I still get a bit cross about it. Even though I do feel loads better. Even though my belly has minimised slightly thanks to it not being bloated all the live long day. Even though I’ve renewed my passion for cooking in order to satisfy my hunger. I still get cross. This is me getting cross…

Dear Jenny Craig,

This is what you say on your website:

We will also try our very best to personalise your menu according to your allergies or food intolerances.

This is actually a load of WHOOEY. Do you know how many coeliacs there are in the UK? 1 in every 50 Britons lives with Coeliac Disease. That’s a lot of people. Don’t you think that Coeliacs deserve the right to lose weight with your company if they so choose? I mean, ready meal diet programmes really aren’t very realistic for life but they do produce results. Loads of Coeliacs, yours truly included, are overweight. Don’t you know that gluten actually is not the best thing a person can ingest? It makes you bloated, is difficult to process and while often a good source of fibre, is truly unnecessary. Particularly in forms like emulsifiers, thickeners and starchy agents. Get with the progamme. Oh, wait, I can’t. Because I can’t eat gluten and you apparently are full of it. Gluten, that is.

The bottom line is that you shouldn’t advertise something that you’re not prepared to offer. What allergies and food intolerances DO you provide for?

No-Thanks,

Me…Slightly Raging Coeliac

Dear Gluten-Free Flour,

You are lovely you know? You allow me to pretend that I can eat things that “all the cool kids” are eating. But why do you cause the product that I turn you into to become HARD AS A ROCK within 12 hours of baking? It’s so not convenient to have to bake something minutes before you need it. Otherwise, within a few hours, you start to go a bit heavy. And then a few hours after that you are a brick. And then you get dumped in my bin. This makes me sad. No one should have to see a fairy cake go before it’s time.

Love,

Formerly Gluten Loving Me

Dear Rice Noodles,

You are my new favourite noodle. I used to love your cousin Egg Noodle but Egg Noodle is all about the FLOUR and as we all know, FLOUR = GLUTEN which makes me decidedly, extremely unwell. You are easier and faster to cook and you have a texture vaguely similar to your naughty cousin which makes me happy. You are far more pleasant to eat than that trollop Maize Noodle. That is one nasty piece of work that Maize Noodle. Bleurgh.

Thank you, Rice Noodle, for redeeming my faith in noodles. Could you do me one favour though? Could you not coagulate into a gluey mess 15 minutes after I cook you? Cheers for that.

Enamoured with you,

Cafe Bebe Mama

Dear Local Chippy (The Boundary, Market Deeping, Lincolnshire),

You are lovely! You have decided to cater to people like me! You are doing gluten-free fish and chips ONE night a week. And unlike that other chippy down the road a piece (Linford’s in Market Deeping, Lincs) you are actually doing it right. We got some of your gf fish and chips a few weeks ago and it was so gorgeous!

Prepared fresh on the spot, handled just the way it should be, that fish and chips was the best I have had in a long time. The batter wasn’t overwhelming, the fish wasn’t dried out and tough, the chips were crispy and tasty! Magnifique (as the French say about their fish and chips)!

I only have one complaint, however. You only do Gluten-Free fish and chips on a Monday night. The “chip fat” is cleaned out on Sunday nights so there’s fresh, non-gluten-tainted fat in the fryers which makes it suitable for gluten-free fish and chips. I appreciate the steps you are taking to ensure that there’s no cross-contamination. You are lovely. But what happens when I really, really want fish and chips on one of the other 6 nights of the week? I have to reserve my cravings for Mondays only. This makes me a bit sad.

Don’t get me wrong though. I still love you and this coming Monday, we’ve already planned to get our (gluten-free) fish and chips from you. But maybe you might consider doing it full-time?! Then I’d love you forever.

Fishily yours,

Me

Ah, I feel better now…do you have any letters you could write after this past week? I bet you do! Have a pop over to 3 Bedroom Bungalow for more “Dear So and So” letter writing.

6 Comment on “Dear So and So…The Coeliac Edition

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