Wish I May, Wish I Might
June 2008
My amazing friend Sabina at Mummy Matters has just given birth to a gorgeous baby boy. It has given me flashbacks. Flashbacks to Little Miss’ labour & delivery, our attempts at breastfeeding and those first early days. It has made me wistful. The phrase “wish I may, wish I might” springs to mind a bit. I wonder what it would have been like if things had been different…
What if I hadn’t needed to be induced and spend a miserable night on the induction ward not sleeping and not knowing what was coming next? Perhaps I could have allowed my body to do what nature intended? I could have spent labour and delivery in the midwife-led unit with aromatherapy and a bag of energy filled snacks. I could have partnered with my husband to bring our daughter into this world in a calm and happy way. Instead I spent hours suffering a patchy epidural, a foot or other limb lodged in my ribs, never getting beyond 3cm and having an emergency Caesarian where I was shaking, grunting, hurting and panicked. I could have held my daughter instead of looking at her from a distance and then turning my head away to be ill for the umpteenth time. I could have been with my daughter in her first hour of life instead of being on a theatre operating table losing too much blood and wavering in and out of consciousness.
What if I had been able to breastfeed? What if the hospital was not as hot as a brick oven and had comfortable chairs and beds to promote successful breastfeeding? What if the midwives TAUGHT me how to breastfeed instead of shoving my boobs into my screaming newborn daughter’s mouth? Perhaps if these things had happened I wouldn’t have had to send my hubby out to the nearest Boots to buy formula, bottles and sterilisers as we weren’t prepared to not succeed. Perhaps if my boobs had worked in the way that they are supposed to I would not have such a horrible perception of breastfeeding and the pro-breastfeeding militia movement that the thought of breastfeeding makes me seethe with repressed anger. I look at my good friend breastfeeding her son and I think…wish I may, wish I might.
But had I not had the trials I had, would I be blessed with the glorious, precocious, ridiculously verbal, healthy, vivacious Little Miss that we have? What if is futile really. But I still wonder if things could have gone differently. If I am fortunate enough to have another Little Miss or Little Mister would I try to do things differently?
For starters, I believe I would aim for an elective Caesarian. I know that as I have had one, the option can be there to elect for a second. I feel that knowing what is coming, going into it prepared, calm and ready as opposed to in an emergency, frightened and ill would be more positive for us all. I don’t think I need to have a “badge of honour” to go through “natural labour and delivery”. What I would wish for is a calm and peaceful labour and delivery so I could enjoy my daughter or son and be fully present.
As much as I will be hung out to dry by saying this, I believe I would opt for formula feeding from the beginning as opposed to trying to breastfeed. I know that there would be every chance that I could succeed a second time but do I want to put myself through the emotional and physical stress and strain of the attempt? I don’t know. I had such a horrific experience with Little Miss that I don’t believe I want to go anywhere near that again.
I don’t know that I’ll get any “do-overs”. Little Miss is my world and is an amazing girl for which I am eternally grateful. If you could “wish I may, wish I might” would you do anything over?
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I had lots of the same thoughts about a future delivery, I was going to do it over! Having had an assisted delivery, second time around I was going to hang in there dilate and deliver myself. Reality was different, yes I hung in there dilated but I kind of forgot there was two of us in this game and my daughter was stuck. We crashed & burned, general anaesthetic and emergency c-section, having breast fed first time to 6 months, the breast feeding boat was sailing out the port by 6 weeks. Part of me wants “the birth” because I don’t feel I’ve ever had anything close to what I’d thought/hoped. But there’s too much at stake to gamble with that. Cx
I know exactly what you mean – I also had an emergency section (although I was under general anaesthetic) and feel I really didn’t get the help/support I needed to establish breastfeeding. It has made me think it might be easier to go for an elective section next time so I can hopefully witness my next child being bought into the world & not miss out on their first few hours. I would also consider bottle feeding from the start. I think we just have to cross those bridges when we get to them though – each birth and each experience of aftercare is different (or so I’m told!) I think that if/when the time comes you will know what is right for you and your baby x
It is such a shame that you are feeling this way and that you didn’t have a positive birth experience with Little Miss but perhaps as you say if her birth had been different, you might not be fAced with the determined young lady we see before us today? And though challenging she may be sometimes wewouldn’t gave her any other way x x
Awww its hard to look back at the births of your babies and wish & wonder what ifs. I have the vbac/elective section choice ahead of me and as yet am completely none the clearer over which to choose – having done both they both have merits and downfalls….
As for the breastfeeding I’m hoping to give it a go this time – failed miserably the previous 2 & that is something I wish I could have been better at – as for the births you kinda just get what you get…
Wow other than the fact I had a boy, it sounds like you were telling my story. Hugs x
Oh sweetheart I hate that these people have treated you so badly, that you have all this hurt and these feelings. If I could erase them I would
Next time, if there is a next time, is a whole clean slate and you can write it how you will and you can decide what works for you and your family.
Elective c-sections can be incredibly positive (my sil has had three) – you do what is right for you and your family and to hell with the rest of them.
Breastfeeding – give it a go if you want, please consider at least one colstrum feed but again do what works for you and your family
Things never go as planned, do they? Even though Tyler was a planned C-section (he was breach), I wouldn’t numb and had to be put under. then had to deal with all of the ramifications of general anesthesia and a c-section wound that would not heal. Add to that my milk not coming in for 8 days and unknowingly starving my baby, I did plan on making changes the next time around. I met with the anesthesiologist prior to discuss my history of slow numbing. He was wonderful and I numbed right up, allowing me to be awake for Cole’s birth. Second, although I “breasfed” every 2-3 hours in the hospital (again no milk for over a week), I demanded formula and followed up each BF session with it. I too, was SO stressed out over the experience of trying to BF Tyler – which just was not successful. The unspoken pressure to succeed is overwhelming. But by taking control and supplementing, Cole ended up being BF for months.
I know exactly how you feel as I think we had a very similar experience with emergency c-section etc etc….
We are trying for another baby and I am requesting an elective c-section as I really don’t want to go through that awful experience again.
Having had a perfect pregnancy, its not really how I would have liked the delivery to be, but I have a happy, healthy girl and thats all you can ask for…!!