One Time Mama?
February 2008
While my good friend Sabina is in labour with her second baby as I type, I continue to wonder if I am destined to be just a one time Mama. Sabina’s daughter and Little Miss are 3 days apart in age. We didn’t know each other at the time but got to know each other through classes at our local SureStart Centre when our girls were about 3 months old. Both Sabina and I are very fulfilled as mothers but Sabina always knew she wanted to have more than “just one”. And they’re very nearly there!
I’m so happy for Sabina and her family and will eagerly cradle the newest member of their family with glee. But I’ve wondered for a while now if Little Miss will end up an only child after all. You see, I’m no spring chicken. I know I don’t look a day over 30 (pah!) but I’ll be 40 in 2 months! My eggs are reaching their expiry date! It took me 34 years to find my beloved Englishman and 3 more years to become a mother for the first time. I take my time with these things. And I think time is running out!
For quite some time after Little Miss was born, I wondered if I could possibly love another child as much as I do my Little Miss. How would I divide my time and attention? I can barely fit in the dog, cat and hubby into the current mix! How could I give a second baby as much as they deserved? And when it came right down to it, hubby and I were pretty darn happy as “3″. I don’t think either of us was too eager to become “4″.
Do you know what else? I don’t think I was meant to give birth! That may sound ridiculous but my body just was not up to the task. I never dilated more than 3 or 4cm and Little Miss was happily lodged, and I do mean LODGED, in my pelvis. My grunts when the surgeon was removing Little Miss from my womb by Caesarian Section were more than audible to the masses. I provide a lovely home but I was apparently not meant to evict anyone from said premises.
I was an only child for 6.5 years. I was very happy as an only child (sorry Brother). I only started to like my brother properly after I left home at the age of 17 to go to University. But no matter how much distance is between us, we’ll always be brother and sister and will be there for each other long after our parents are no longer here. That’s nice to know. I’d like Little Miss to have someone around with her when we’re gone. And as hubby and I are “older” parents it’s very likely that she will be an “orphan” for a lot longer than my brother and I will be. That’s depressing!
There was a lot of “when are you going to start a family” talk when hubby and I first got married. This is understandable considering our age. Now, of course, there’s the “when are you going to make Little Miss a big sister?” talk. Would it be so horrible for there to ONLY be Little Miss? Is that selfish of us?
I’m also beginning to wonder if my body is up to the task? Perhaps it’s trying to tell me something with the cold, hard fact that I am not pregnant 27 months after Little Miss made us “3″. We haven’t been desperate or strategic or trying very hard to get pregnant, truth be told. My cycle seems to be all over the place which is part of what makes me wonder if the clock is wearing right down after all of these years. I’m not upset about any of this but just wondering. Wondering if Little Miss will be our one and only? Wondering if I’m meant to ONLY be a one time Mama? Wondering if it’s time to “call it a day”? I’d love to know what some of you “older” mums think??
If I am destined to be a one time Mama…I think we’ve done a pretty decent job but perhaps I’m biased??
We love you forever, Little Miss!
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A lot of people I know are starting to try for number 2 already and I just can’t even begin to imagine. I don’t know if Blondie Boy will be an only child or not yet, but I know I don’t want to be pregnant anytime soon!
If you’re happy as things are, then stay that way! I feel happy with my two boys, and I’m glad I’ve had them, but my gosh when Max came along it was HARD. Ten times harder than going from none to one. I don’t think I’d ever want to do that again!
Your Little Miss is beautiful, and this way, she will get your undivided attention, which is an awesome thing to have.
Aside: I’m an only child too, and my mum had me when she was 41, so I am that product you are talking of. I never felt like I was doing without, although there were the odd times of wishing I had someone to play with, but looking back, I probably wouldn’t have liked having someone else around to share my parents with. They’re still around now (I’m 26) and going strong, albeit with many more medicines to take!
It’s a hard one to think of isn’t it? Whatever happens, I’m sure it’ll be right for you all. x
Hi
I am probably the wrong person to talk about this but here we go. I conceived my son at 39 on our first full month of trying. I had him 2 months after I turned 40. Then, I conceived my daughter when he was 7 months, on first full month of trying. She was born 4 days before my son turned 16 months.
Personally, I felt I wanted my son to have a sibling and a playmate. Everyone worries about the “not having enough love” bit but trust me, you do. I think the fact i was over 40 made me get a shift on because I knew the risks. But still, I don’t regret it and I love my two to bed.
Lots of mums have a MASSIVE wobble when their child starts school. There are loads of mums in the school playground (more so in my daughter’s reception class than ever in my son’s last year) who are expecting another, particularly amongst those who have just the one. I guess what I am saying is how you feel now may not be how you feel when Little Miss goes to school (which is only 2 years off) so it might be worth trying to think about how you will feel once she is not there every day.
Cycles can go all over the place after babies. Personally, I have found that losing weight has brought my cycles back into line but I knew that from personal experience anyway. The same might not be true for you. If you are wanting to have another child, I would visit the GP and talk to him about it as you might find they can do something based on your experience since having Little Miss.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Kate- Thanks very much for your sage advice. Very thought inspiring! I may look into the GP although I don’t have a ton of faith in my GP so I might need to see about alternative methods! Or the good old fashioned “doing it like rabbits” method.
Thanks again for your advice. I appreciate it immensely!
Karin
We has our two very close together because we knew we didn’t want just the one – we wanted the sibling companionship and the challenges and the love
I was worried about the love thing but it’s as if you’re given more love for the new baby – a totally different but equal love
Consider it a good thing that you’re so good at growing them that they don’t want to leave – this time around you could chose to have a section and know when the new one would arrive (heaps better for planning childcare and means a much easier experience I’m told)
Secondary fertility issues (ie having trouble conceiving no2) are a big issue – might be worth talking to your doctor if you want to keep the door ajar
Either way. You’re a fab Mummy!
I’d like to think I’m not an older mum, but I’m not far behind you, and have gynae issues in my history, so who knows whether number 2 will even be possible.
But I’d like one. A sibling for Moo more than anything else. I have 2 sisters who I didn’t play much with as a child, but who I can’t imagine life without now.
Just wish hubs was as keen…
We felt the same way you did after one – it felt right, complete, but I still had pangs of guilt of having Tyler be an only child. I’d received many reassurances from only children that he would be just fine. We let it go for awhile, but ultimately decided we’re just going to go for it – enough hemming and hawing. Along came Cole and I realized how possible it is to love two children (never believed it possible) and despite the daily torment the two give each other, we are now truly complete. There is a 4-1/2 year age difference which has it’s advantages and disadvantages.
And don’t you know 40 is the new 30? LOL I’ve had 4 friends over the age of 40 in the past 2 years have babies. I don’t think it’s too old at all. I babysat my 8 month old nephew last night and got a little pang of baby love. Nothing I can do about it though, DH took care of that a couple of years ago! LOL
Only you and your husband can decide whether you really want to continue trying. It’s certainly worth getting some blood tests done to see what your hormones are doing.
However, as a mum of an only child, I’d just like to say if you do decide to stick to one, don’t ever feel guilty for doing so. I adore my son, we have a fantastic little family life as a threesome and I don’t think he misses out. We thought it might be nice to have another baby at one stage but it wasn’t to be. We had to accept that, let it go and get on with enjoying life with just the one – which we have done!
I am nearing my 38th birthday and am a single mum.
A single mum to a beautiful two year old, but it looks like I will be one and done simply because of circumstance but I wonder if that is an excuse for me.
I am a great believer that everything works out, and I’m sure you will be a happy family be it of 3 or 4.
I’ve always had the opinion of what will be will be when it comes to children – if you’re happy with the one stick to the one, if not and you fancy some more – have a try. Just be happy
Hi, I’m not an older Mum. In fact, I’m a young Mum if anything. But I worry too. There’s nothing I want more than a second baby but I’ve just been so ill that I don’t know if I will ever be able to have another.
Your daughter is just adorable, really, really gorgeous and the posts you write about her are really inspiring. You’re a great Mum and if you want another child I believe you should try. I don’t think you’re too old and you have a fantastic stable environment. What could be more perfect. Do whatever makes you happy.
My illness meant that my partner and I separated, I moved back home and I have still managed to successfully and lovingly raised my child. He’s my world. I’m now back with my partner but I can’t leave the house and I still live at home. I’m probably the most ill I have ever been.
At times I feel like I’ll never break free from what goes on with me and thus I’ll never have another child because of the situation I am in. And it does upset me.
Yes, I have years but as we all know it goes so quickly. I think when you turn 21 you only have to blink and you lose years.
I’d love a girl too
I wish you all the luck in the world – here’s to hoping you get up the duff, eh!
Becca x
It sounds as though you’re pretty sanguine about the outcome, whether it’s to become pregnant again, or not. And you never know, it might become a bit like waiting for a bus… The older you get, the more likely you are to have twins! Gulp. Good luck, whatever happens, and your little girl is GORGEOUS!
I think having a second baby is almost a bigger decision than having the first! I also think its a young womans game, its tough physically hard work as we all know. Being an only child was tougher years ago then it is now with classes, groups & nurseries etc. They are expensive bundles of joy and two is way, way, WAY more than double the work than one. Doing anything and everything is a tough gig – whose routine are you accommodating?! I am very lucky I have not one but two healthy children and exceptionally lucky to have one of each, not that it matters but I find myself wondering when do you stop? Not having another for me means moving on. We did the loop the loop and went back to beginning with another baby. We knew the road we were travelling on had a baby no 2 and a “return to go” so if there are no more “return to go” cards on the table where are we heading? That I do not know the answer to! Little Miss is scrumptious, enjoy her. xx