Trying to Understand

Being a First-time Mummy

Two and a bit years ago I became a mum for the first time at the age of 37. I had sort of given up on finding the love of my life and being a mother but thankfully, fate stepped in and I met my now-husband Mark in 2005, married him in 2006 and welcomed our Little Miss in 2008.

I’ve been a stay-at-home-mum since Little Miss was born in June, 2008. I didn’t want it any other way, really. I was on maternity leave from my job as a Teaching Assistant but from the moment I knew I was pregnant, I knew I didn’t want to go back to work. Not thoroughly enjoying my TA job added to the willingness to chuck the career for being a mum.

As my maternity leave was ending (thank the lord for 39 weeks paid maternity leave in the UK) hubby and I had a serious discussion about me going back to work. We didn’t think we’d do very well on only one income but when I looked into the costs of full-time childcare and transport/fuel to and from my job we would have made a loss every month. I wouldn’t even be earning enough to have my daughter in full-time care! The decision wasn’t difficult. We would struggle financially but I would stay home and raise our daughter. I’ve never regretted that decision.

Two years on and it’s been a multitude of wonderful memories and experiences that I wouldn’t change for anything. I’ve loved being here every day and spending such quality time with my daughter. I think I’ve done pretty well. Little Miss is confident, exceptionally verbal, sensitive, thoughtful and well behaved (most of the time…she is 2 after all!). Little Miss is starting to become much more independent and doesn’t need me as much. She readily goes to her grandparents or her auntie and cousin for the afternoon without so much as a hiccup. A quick kiss and “Bye bye Mummy” and I’m dismissed.

But what’s happened to ME? I used to be me…a wife…a friend…a lover. I used to be about 20 pounds thinner, get my hair cut regularly, never leave the house without makeup and wear clothes that were moderately flattering. I’m trying to understand where KARIN went, how to get her back and how to help my hubby understand how I’m feeling. I’m finding that explaining it is difficult and it seems to sound so easy from an outside perspective. “Pull yourself together woman!” comes to mind.

It’s not quite so simple as getting a job and getting back to a fulfilling career. I don’t know what that fulfilling career is anymore. I’d like it to be in the freelance writing/PR avenue but unfortunately, that sort of career isn’t uber-secure and high paying. Not that I need that but our bank account could use a boost. And ultimately, we’re not really in a position to put Little Miss in nursery to allow me to find a full-time job. The idea of going back to being a TA in a secondary school makes me shudder.

I’ve managed to get myself into a rut of staying mainly in the house (in part thanks to a very old, physically limited, neurotic, separation-anxiety ridden dog) and have lost most of the friends I had save our BEST FRIENDS. We’ve lost the classes we used to do partly because there wasn’t a ton on offer for Little Miss’ age group but there’s a great possibility that funding may be severely cut for Sure Start Children’s Centres thanks to the new Con-Lib Coalition Government. We can’t afford to splash out on multiple classes so we do a lot of playing in the house.

I’ve made a few steps in the right direction for September though. I’ve signed up for a Buggy Fitness class which will meet every Tuesday in Stamford and I’m quite looking forward to that. I’ve made a bigger effort to make sure that Little Miss goes to the inlaws on Wednesday afternoons and will be looking into finding some parent/toddler groups when school starts back up in September. Hubby and I went on a “date” for the first time in a VERY long time last Friday which was great for both of us. We’ve committed to making a better effort to remember each other and our “selves”…not just as “Mummy” & “Daddy”.

Have you lost yourself in this crazy adventure of parenting? How do you explain it to those around you? And better yet, how have you managed to get yourSELF back?