Trying to Understand
Being a First-time Mummy
Two and a bit years ago I became a mum for the first time at the age of 37. I had sort of given up on finding the love of my life and being a mother but thankfully, fate stepped in and I met my now-husband Mark in 2005, married him in 2006 and welcomed our Little Miss in 2008.
I’ve been a stay-at-home-mum since Little Miss was born in June, 2008. I didn’t want it any other way, really. I was on maternity leave from my job as a Teaching Assistant but from the moment I knew I was pregnant, I knew I didn’t want to go back to work. Not thoroughly enjoying my TA job added to the willingness to chuck the career for being a mum.
As my maternity leave was ending (thank the lord for 39 weeks paid maternity leave in the UK) hubby and I had a serious discussion about me going back to work. We didn’t think we’d do very well on only one income but when I looked into the costs of full-time childcare and transport/fuel to and from my job we would have made a loss every month. I wouldn’t even be earning enough to have my daughter in full-time care! The decision wasn’t difficult. We would struggle financially but I would stay home and raise our daughter. I’ve never regretted that decision.
Two years on and it’s been a multitude of wonderful memories and experiences that I wouldn’t change for anything. I’ve loved being here every day and spending such quality time with my daughter. I think I’ve done pretty well. Little Miss is confident, exceptionally verbal, sensitive, thoughtful and well behaved (most of the time…she is 2 after all!). Little Miss is starting to become much more independent and doesn’t need me as much. She readily goes to her grandparents or her auntie and cousin for the afternoon without so much as a hiccup. A quick kiss and “Bye bye Mummy” and I’m dismissed.
But what’s happened to ME? I used to be me…a wife…a friend…a lover. I used to be about 20 pounds thinner, get my hair cut regularly, never leave the house without makeup and wear clothes that were moderately flattering. I’m trying to understand where KARIN went, how to get her back and how to help my hubby understand how I’m feeling. I’m finding that explaining it is difficult and it seems to sound so easy from an outside perspective. “Pull yourself together woman!” comes to mind.
It’s not quite so simple as getting a job and getting back to a fulfilling career. I don’t know what that fulfilling career is anymore. I’d like it to be in the freelance writing/PR avenue but unfortunately, that sort of career isn’t uber-secure and high paying. Not that I need that but our bank account could use a boost. And ultimately, we’re not really in a position to put Little Miss in nursery to allow me to find a full-time job. The idea of going back to being a TA in a secondary school makes me shudder.
I’ve managed to get myself into a rut of staying mainly in the house (in part thanks to a very old, physically limited, neurotic, separation-anxiety ridden dog) and have lost most of the friends I had save our BEST FRIENDS. We’ve lost the classes we used to do partly because there wasn’t a ton on offer for Little Miss’ age group but there’s a great possibility that funding may be severely cut for Sure Start Children’s Centres thanks to the new Con-Lib Coalition Government. We can’t afford to splash out on multiple classes so we do a lot of playing in the house.
I’ve made a few steps in the right direction for September though. I’ve signed up for a Buggy Fitness class which will meet every Tuesday in Stamford and I’m quite looking forward to that. I’ve made a bigger effort to make sure that Little Miss goes to the inlaws on Wednesday afternoons and will be looking into finding some parent/toddler groups when school starts back up in September. Hubby and I went on a “date” for the first time in a VERY long time last Friday which was great for both of us. We’ve committed to making a better effort to remember each other and our “selves”…not just as “Mummy” & “Daddy”.
Have you lost yourself in this crazy adventure of parenting? How do you explain it to those around you? And better yet, how have you managed to get yourSELF back?
It’s a huge question, which most mothers battle with every day. It’s all the more difficult when there isn’t a lot of money to go out and do obvious stuff with. The one thing that we do is to try and get out, just the husband and I without the kids, to the pub for a drink, the cinema for a film, just something. Keeps us in touch with who we once were. We’re part of a babysitting circle which helps keep the costs down! Good luck, hope you find the way to maintain who you are. Big hugs. x
I didn’t think I had lost myself until my sister started to look to the future and doing courses and things and I told her I was proud of her for having done this.
She then told me that it was because of what I had done, that she had done it. What I had done? Seriously? I stay at home with my children and don’t do anything!
Turns out that my five year plan (Sorry its a secret) was the key, as well as the scheduled date nights and evenings out on my own!
Good luck with finding what you want/need I am sure that it will come in just when you least expect it!
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I started my blog when I was on maternity leave with big M as a way to be me again. Although I dreaded going back to work & it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, ultimately it was good for me and reinvigorated me somehow.
We don’t have family locally, and like you, my man and I have had very few (can count them on one hand) “dates”. It’s so important to find space to be you individually and as a couple. We keep saying that we will start a “date night” at home – ie cook a lovely meal and get a nice bottle of wine for when the kids are in bed. Except we haven’t got around to it yet. Tsk.
Is there something you could do on the afternoons when little miss is with her grandparents? Maybe volunteering or a class or something? I hope that you can find a way to feel like you again.
Excellent post, as ever Karin. And in answer to your own question, haven’t you ‘become’ a writer and a first-rate blogger? You’ve achieved a hell of a lot in the last two years in addition to doing a grand job of bringing up Little Miss! Cause for celebration, I’d say.
I agree with Tim you’ve achieved a lot! But only you know where Karin is! But you mustn’t be too hard on yourself or too hung up in finding her as Karin will have changed and be different anyway – having a baby and being a parent changes you – the same things just don’t matter the way they used to and you shouldn’t feel bad that you’ve changed look at the positives in what has happened to you and the good qualities you posses.
If however you feel you want more, be it independence, time for yourself work out some ways you can squeeze in aspects of what you would like, there is always space, someone always has ideas which can help you – sometimes so simple you can’t understand why you couldn’t think of it yourself!
Just ask people and don’t worry about how you sound – sometimes the opinion of someone else kick starts your own. xx
Tim, you are too too kind. Thanks so very much. I forget to look at the accomplishments sometimes. Thanks for the reminder!
Wendy- Thanks so much for the compliment. I’m trying to work out who that new me is, I guess. I appreciate your suggestions and it is true….the old Karin is probably gone. Time for a new one!
Tiddlyompompom- I think starting my blog has led to a new me! It’s helped me to realise how important writing is to me and perhaps is helping me to find a new me. We can all pay more attention to our partners, can’t we??
Pippa- You’ve got me intrigued as to what this Five Year Plan is…will you publish it?? Thanks for your support, by the way!
Pants…I love commenting to Pants! It is a huge question and the answers are slowly revealing themselves. Thanks very much for the suggestions and for stopping by!
My Dear One…I think you need to stop the negative and look at your positives…the rest will take care of itself at the right time. I didn’t go back to work until you were two and at that it was part time. You’ll know the moment when you want to jump back into the world of work….and maybe it won’t happen for awhile. I believe that you need to make sure Little Miss is getting all the “outside” world time as possible—social interaction, and you are doing the best you can at this time. Finally, take care of you….what a lovely young woman you are with SO many gifts and beautiful little and big somebodies in your life….enjoy them. Hair cuts, make-up, and the rest will happen. Enjoy YOU, and
PS. I totally agree with Tim. Love you….KLM
Grandma is right, the ‘Karin’ you were will return ‘albeit’ changed forever – and for the better of course – by the creation of Little Miss. LM is however, at the age where her demands on you are enormous and she requires so much of your time. Trust me though, as she grows and becomes more self-suffiecient, you will once again have the time to focus more on you. In the meantime, keeping active is the key as well as making sure your husband never feels second to LM. It should be remembered, that while he obviously loves her to bits as well, he did have all of ‘you’ and your attention before you were three. Many men can often suffer (many silently) symptoms of rejection as they come to terms with the paradox of loving their children but having to now share their relationship with their wife forever. We’re simple creatures and this is often something women find easier to come to terms with than us. So keep up the ‘dates’ (home date nights are good) and make them as frequent as you are able – they should be all about just you and he. Just make an effort and make them special. This will make you and your man happy and contented and consequently even better parents. LM will benefit from this too and so it’s a win win opportunity that far too many people miss out on at their peril. I have always greeted my wife before I greet my children. Far from this ever being perceived as negative in any way by my kids, they have actually thrived from seeing us so happy and stable. Hope that helps. Steve x
I think this post has been a long time coming and its good that you are recognising “out loud” that all is not well. Over the past two years I have witnessed the change in you (though really only in the past year at a push). Gone is my confident bubbly friend with a real “go get ‘em” attitude and in her place I have a more reserved, hesitant, self-doubting friend. Don’t get me wrong you are still one of my best friends and I love you dearly but I want to see some of the old Karin return. Your confidence has taken a knocking and for that I am sad. You know what I would say to you, TALK! Don’t keep it bottled up. You ARE a fabulous mother, a very supportive and understanding wife, you are ALWAYS the best friend in a crisis and have the biggest heart of anyone I know. Your mind is full of potential and I think you will go a long way – you just need to make sure that you start taking care of YOU too! You’ve made moves in the right direction, so keep moving forward with those baby steps! xxx
Remember the mummy mantra – this too shall pass !
Because it does get better (and remember we are only a few months ahead of you in the baby stakes)
Wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better xxx
Thanks so much Muddling…you are delightful and I appreciate your kind words and support. Thanks love xx
MummyMatters: Aw…love you. Sorry I haven’t been me…I’m working on it. Thanks for listening!
Yes, I am there right now with an infant and a 3 year old. Sigh. But I’m okay with it for the most part. Perhaps when they are in school full-time I will be wondering those very questions, but for now, I am 100% TOTALLY and FULLY crazy busy, so I never have a moment to breathe or think about such things. If you do go back to having a career, have you considered part-time teaching fitness classes? I noticed that you have a degree in it (read it on another post), and that you need to get into shape and do it better in a group setting. So, why not start your own Buggy class or boot camp in your area for moms? Charge a small fee for now until you get bigger and more known, and then charge more. It’s not a whole lot of money, but lie yous aid, it might boost your current financial situation.