Toddler Tantrums & Trials
Little Miss is two. Some would say “Terrible Two’s”. Today I might agree. I am trying to think of it as our Toddler Tantrums & Trials or T3! Let’s coin a new phrase!
Little Miss has a BEST FRIEND who is pictured above. They’re 3 days apart in age and have known each other thanks to their mothers since they were 3 months old. Sabina and I sat next to each other at Baby Beans music class through our local Sure Start Children’s Centre. We’re still great friends 22 months later and our girls are as well…most days.
I’ve been horrified several times however. I’ve been horrified to find that my daughter can be downright nasty to her best friend. She’s even clocked her over the head once or twice and today they had an actual tug of war over some of the toys in the room. It seems that whenever we put the two of them together in one of our houses the Territorial Monster comes out and suddenly it’s every girl for herself.
A journey in the car? No problems. Walks in the pushchair? Easy Peasy! A play in the park? A walk in the park! But throw their own toys into the mix and World War III breaks out. I don’t understand this nor do I know how to handle it. Prevailing advice tells us to let them sort it out themselves. But can I allow my child to physically hurt her best friend? They both give as good as they get…neither girl is innocent by any means.
I’m at a loss with how to handle this. I don’t want Little Miss to think it’s ok to lash out at anyone and she needs to know that that sort of behaviour is unacceptable. However that means that as mothers we’ll continually be wading into the fray to break up the kitten fight. Is that right? We can’t always have them in “neutral” territory after all. How do you handle this with your child? What are your top tips for handling friendly fire and teaching your child appropriate behaviour?
In the meantime, I’ll get the Arnica Cream back into the rota and do my best to redirect my child. Please just don’t let her start biting! I might never leave the house if that happens!
"Who me? Start a fight? NEVER!"
I have no answers I am afraid I know that Baba is the same. We were round one of his best friends today and both him and her where doing the same. Both myself and her parent just thought to leave them too it to see if they could settle it. They did, but apart from that I really don’t know what to do with them. If you find the answer please let me know and good luck xx
I have noticed with Red Ted (2.5yrs) that he fights more with the children he knows and likes best. He always looks forward to seeing his “best” friends and then all they do is fight!!
Sometimes they fight more if we are near by, so we try to let them sort it out themselves and they tend to play much better. Of course we DO have to intervene half the time, but there is no real magic, other than repeating over and over again, that something was naughty, get them to say sorry, take away offending toys all together or use the naughty step on occassion. *sigh*. At least another year of this “so they say”….
I am trying to teach him not to take toys from smaller children (Pip Squeak) and I think he gets that… (kind of)
Good luck!
Maggy x
I just wanted you to know that I felt equally as bad as you when you left, I felt totally drained and dare I say “disappointed” in Little Bean. Its so upsetting to see our girls acting like that but I fear this is something we will come across time and time again. They were both clearly very tired which didn’t help but we know deep down they love each other really. When you do find somewhere to escape too, please make sure you give me a call!! xx
Sorry to say my dears, that it just takes time and age. It will fade away like other phases have, but it can be rather unnerving while the wait is on.
Keep smiling…..
This is always a difficult one to deal with and I think as mums you need trust in each other to get the best result. Rather than relying solely on Karin to tell Little Miss off, I’d vary it and have Sabina do it on occasion. Little Miss is obviously pushing boundaries to see how far she can go, both with mum and her friend. If someone else tells her off, it stops being a struggle to push her mum around.
Wifey and her best friend take this approach and whilst it doesn’t stop the boy and his friend pummelling 7 bells out of each other at times, it at least spreads the work load and if you’re jointly responsible, the guilt
Alex…this is really good advice! We’ll have to try this one. It’s always difficult to discipline another child but maybe it would work?? Maybe I’m too much of a softie as well. Thanks for the advice!
I’ve always done time out of hitting, biting, hurting etc. Only 2 minutes on the naughty step – very hard work but seems to tame a temper quickly and at least shows you’re doing something about it. But she’s only two and its just part of a big learning curve
I think it is an age thing. I remember Snaffles going through the same thing. We tended to sit back and see what happened but if there was anything physical then our usualy rules applied and it was off to the naughty step. If they were both as bad as each other then one of us would step in and give them both the same talking too and make both appologise to each other. I agree with Alex that having the parents of both children take a united front is a good approach.
As you may know, with Flea, I was very big on giving choices and responsibility to her. So if a friend was coming round for a play-date we would pre-empt some of this by asking her what she was happy to share. If she had a new or favourite toy, it was okay for her to say she didn’t want her friend to play with it, and we’d put it away in advance.
What I found was then when the friend came round, Flea felt magnanimous and generous and “Here Amber, you can play with this if you like” rather than protective and territorial.
There was still the odd spat, but I always felt it was okay for Flea to not want her friends to play with her favourite things – in the same way I wouldn’t loan my friends a new shirt or DVD before I’d have chance to use ‘em.
Does she have fave toys? I always put those away is people come, Eliza is a shocking sharer as in HATES it wish a passion. It’s horrid actually. But if all fave toys are put away then you can make a point of well to bad it’s here you share it. It’s hard when they are only 2 best thing at this age is distraction and remove them, tell them it’s not nice to be like that to their friend. And get on with things.
OMG I really should read things before I post them excuse all spelling/words I am so, so tired!
Nat, I think the key with our girls is going to be distraction! They do so much better when we’re doing instead of just letting them “free play”. Thanks for your suggestions and do get some sleep!
As long as both you and the little girls mum are agreeable on each of them being as bad as each other you’ll be fine. It’s when other parents don’t think their child is capable of pinching, pushing, snatching and biting that things get difficult. All little ones go through this type of thing, its just something that you have to deal with from time to time. It’s all part of them developing