Battling my demons
There’s a tug of war going on inside of me. I wonder why I write. I wonder who’s reading what I write. I wonder why I don’t get the comments I think I should. I wonder why, despite the hours of time promoting it, my blog isn’t doing better. I wonder why the pitches I write seem to go unnoticed. I wonder why the suggestions I make are ignored. I wonder why I can’t made myself be heard.
There’s a tug of war going on inside of me. I used to be sexy and confident. I used to weigh far less. I used to have a twinkle in my eye. I want to be those things again but I’m not sure I know how any longer. Do I hide behind the new me because I don’t want to work that hard?
There’s a tug of war going on inside of me. I want to be the best mum my daughter deserves. I want to be a good cook and go the extra mile. I want to entertain my daughter and be everything she needs. But…I can’t seem to find the mojo to cook like Nigella or Delia. I can’t seem to find the skill to be crafty like Mr. Maker. I can’t seem to let my daughter just be…I’m forever meddling…am I doing the right things? I’d like to think so but I fear I’m not.
There’s a tug of war going on inside of me. I want to be a friend. I want to have friends. I want my daughter to have friends. But I can’t seem to get myself out there to do it. Is it the comfort of home? I make excuses and wish for something different but if I don’t make it happen, who will?
There’s a tug of war going on inside of me. I’m a good wife, I think. But I could be better. I could have our house gleaming from top to toe. I could have fresh bread baking in the oven and a gorgeous meal waiting on the stove. I could sew and knit; I could craft and bake. I could dress better and prettier and take more care with my appearance. What is stopping me? Is that REALLY me?
There’s a tug of war going on inside of me…who’s going to win? Who’s going to jump behind me on my side and help me do it? Maybe I just need to rely on myself and dig in and pull…
(Written in support of the Writing Workshop at Sleep is for the Weak; prompt #2- Battling your Demons)
What an honest post, and one that I’m sure rings true for most people that read it. Finding an identity and a voice is a challenge we all face, especially when we have to adapt to suddenly being a parent and life is turned completely upside down. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a fantastic job and I really enjoy your blog. x
Sorry, this is not going to be profound or particularly helpful, but I do know exactly what you mean.
Hope you find answers and that you can see that the sexy, confident you with the twinkle in your eye is in fact still the one that looks back a you in the mirror, and that you stop fighting with yourself. Choose to be on the winning side of the rope, it’s always more fun that way, but be available for the part of you that is on the other end . . . you can hold both sides of the rope up without having to constantly ‘pull’.
Have a great day!
To be fair I am probably able to write this cause I have had a particularly high sugar day and have not yet started to come down
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I think you’ve summed up your inner battle perfectly. I think it rages in a lot of us. With me, I have had counselling in the past where this very question ‘What is stopping me?’ came up again and again.’ What is holding me back? Me. Fear of failure. Confidence. Fear of succeeding. All of those things jumbled up. I have long since given up the battle to be Nigella or Delia (although it resurfaces every so often). I think you are doing a great job. You will win your tug of war against yourself.
This rings so true for so many of us i think, we want to be the best mother/friend/daughter/writer/whatever we can. I think deer baby said it so well about it being fear that holds us back so often, fear of failing, of not doing as well as we think we should…I don’t think you are alone here at all.
I think you are doing a wonderful job but I’m on your side, i’ll pull behind you and help as much as I can, just ask!
I doubt I will be the last one to ask “Have you been reading my mind dear?” That perfect construct of motherhood, womanhood, wifehood, whateverhood doesn’t really exist. Nobody can be a full time everything. I tell myself this every day when I do the dishes at 11, fill the washing machine and forget to empty it, and pull on my jeans for the 5th day in a row (after the dishes and out of the washing pile!). I bet you’d be surprised what the other unperfect specimens of womanhood, wifehood and whateverhood see when they look at you. I know I am!
This is a battle that wages in so many of us. I’ve been coasting through life the last ten years with bringing up my kids and doing a part-time job that is pretty dull. Doing my blog has really forced me out of my comfort zone and made me take a chance on doing something I no nothing about. Every day I say “maybe I should just delete it” after all who reads it, cares about it, what’s it for etc. But I suddenly feel like I am doing something I love and that has to count for something.
I love reading everyone’s blogs about motherhood and self. It really gets me thinking about so many issues. I feel stronger for it. So don’t stop! Even if you connect with a few it’s worth it.
Big hugs from me. I’m very overweight despite getting down to a skinny size 12 only 18 months ago! I’m struggling as a single parent since my husband left.
I try to do what’s best for my children and me but it isn’t always easy. Don’t be too hard on yourself
I think it’s only human to want to better ourselves, to want to do well at everything we touch, but it’s also only human to not manage to achieve it. It’s about the adventure, the challenge, the being in the right place at the right time, the enriching of our soul over the course of our lives. Sometimes, even with the best support and help from others, it still doesn’t take away those inner feelings of self doubt. I’ve been in this situation many times myself and now am just happy to sail along watching the waves come and go. Take care of yourself, try to give yourself some time. Try to tell yourself that it’s your life and it doesn’t really matter if you can’t sew or cook like you’d want to. Feel sexy inside, feel the friendships in your heart and realise that you are needed more than you know.
CJ xx
I felt like you had been inside my head, very well written. I think we secretly all feel like you do don’t we? We just don’t talk about it very often, because we feel like we shouldn’t.
I think you and me are a lot alike in some ways my dear. I can relate to so much of what you write.
Time and time again it seems to come up in the Writing Workshop – this feeling of not being ‘good enough’. On one hand this makes me so sad. Why do we feel like this? But on the other hand, at least we are in it together. Maybe if we all gather behind our collective ropes and pull together we can overcome these doubts and insecurities.
I’m right behind you my friend, as I know are many others.
Beautiful writing. Thank you so much for your honesty xx
What a moving post. I think you have captured what a lot of us feel beautifully.
For what it’s worth I love your blog.
Is there an echo in here?? Sounds like we’re all going through the same tug of war with ourselves!! Maybe if we just try to do one thing each day, each week, each month – remember what you have already been told CB – little steps!! We all love you and your blog, just look at all your comments xxx
You know what, a day doesn’t go by that I don’t have similar thoughts and fears. I throw in a bit of flagellation too – I should have done this better, sorted that literal out in my post/website, maybe I shouldn’t have written about that, or maybe I should have written about this.
This post says articulately how you feel. It communicates, and that is an indication that you are, my friend, a writer.
We need to sort out that meeting in London sometime…
x
Ooh, yes, a meeting in London would be fab. Thanks for your kind words…I really appreciate it! It’s been a rough day for some reason…