Inside my Head

Inside my Head

Inside my head I am many things…wife, mother, friend, writer, me.

• Wife…Inside my head I wonder, am I supportive enough, do I show him enough affection, does he really know how very much he means to me and how much he’s improved my life?  Inside my head I wonder if I should be doing more around the house and less on the computer.  Inside my head I used to wait for the other shoe to drop butI don’t worry about that any more.  Inside my head I think about our life together and what it will be like in the future.  Inside my head I try not to worry about the “what if’s” and “should haves” as they drive me to distraction.  Inside my head I say what I feel but am sometimes afraid to say it out loud.  Inside my head I dream of cooking like Nigella and Jamie but in reality I’m far from it.  Inside my head I don’t feel attractive anymore.
• Mother…Inside my head I worry about the day when I am no longer here to support my daughter.  Inside my head I second-guess my cautious nature.  Inside my head I sometimes shout with frustration but never shout out loud.  Inside my head I imagine a time when Little Miss will hate me and won’t speak to me…I dread that day.  Inside my head I compete with other mothers and silently cheer Little Miss’ differences and accomplishments.  Inside my head I wish I could be SuperMum…instead, I’m just me.
• Friend…Inside my head I worry about whether my friends actually like me.  Inside my head I think that they just tolerate me.  Inside my head I get very tired of organising things and no one joins them.  Inside my head I wish that I had more friends.  Inside my head I feel very lonely some days.
• Writer…Inside my head I wonder if I really have what it takes.  Inside my head I can’t quite figure out why I’m not as successful as I think I should be.  Inside my head I feel woefully inadequate around some other writers and bloggers.  Inside my head I fret over some blogs that are more successful than mine.  Inside my head I think that sometimes the only person reading what I write is my family.  Inside my head I don’t understand why people don’t take me up on my offers of brilliant writing.  Inside my head I’m a little girl waiting for the teacher’s approval.
• Me…Inside my head I am desperate to be accepted and seek out approval.  Inside my head I fear that I will disappoint those who love and support me.  Inside my head I fear that I will die way before my time and leave my daughter without a mother and my husband without a wife.  Inside my head I worry that one day, my husband won’t come home from work because he’s been in a terrible car accident.  Inside my head I dream that I am the perfect daughter but know that I am far from it.  Inside my head I miss my family terribly and wish that I could ring them up and meet them for coffee.  Inside my head I miss American holidays more than I let on.  Inside my head I berate myself for letting myself go but outside my head I don’t do much about it.  Inside my head I despise my shape and looks and cry over the way I used to look.

Inside my head is a rather loud place.  It’s a wonder I get anything done!

(This post was done in support of Josie’s Writing Workshop and is prompt #3- What have the voices in your head been saying lately?  Please don’t think I’m totally mental…I don’t hear the voices ALL the time.)