Filed under American Mum Me, Mummy Steps, Writing Workshop
10 comments
Inside my Head
Inside my head I am many things…wife, mother, friend, writer, me.
- Wife…Inside my head I wonder, am I supportive enough, do I show him enough affection, does he really know how very much he means to me and how much he’s improved my life? Inside my head I wonder if I should be doing more around the house and less on the computer. Inside my head I used to wait for the other shoe to drop butI don’t worry about that any more. Inside my head I think about our life together and what it will be like in the future. Inside my head I try not to worry about the “what if’s” and “should haves” as they drive me to distraction. Inside my head I say what I feel but am sometimes afraid to say it out loud. Inside my head I dream of cooking like Nigella and Jamie but in reality I’m far from it. Inside my head I don’t feel attractive anymore.
- Mother…Inside my head I worry about the day when I am no longer here to support my daughter. Inside my head I second-guess my cautious nature. Inside my head I sometimes shout with frustration but never shout out loud. Inside my head I imagine a time when Little Miss will hate me and won’t speak to me…I dread that day. Inside my head I compete with other mothers and silently cheer Little Miss’ differences and accomplishments. Inside my head I wish I could be SuperMum…instead, I’m just me.
- Friend…Inside my head I worry about whether my friends actually like me. Inside my head I think that they just tolerate me. Inside my head I get very tired of organising things and no one joins them. Inside my head I wish that I had more friends. Inside my head I feel very lonely some days.
- Writer…Inside my head I wonder if I really have what it takes. Inside my head I can’t quite figure out why I’m not as successful as I think I should be. Inside my head I feel woefully inadequate around some other writers and bloggers. Inside my head I fret over some blogs that are more successful than mine. Inside my head I think that sometimes the only person reading what I write is my family. Inside my head I don’t understand why people don’t take me up on my offers of brilliant writing. Inside my head I’m a little girl waiting for the teacher’s approval.
- Me…Inside my head I am desperate to be accepted and seek out approval. Inside my head I fear that I will disappoint those who love and support me. Inside my head I fear that I will die way before my time and leave my daughter without a mother and my husband without a wife. Inside my head I worry that one day, my husband won’t come home from work because he’s been in a terrible car accident. Inside my head I dream that I am the perfect daughter but know that I am far from it. Inside my head I miss my family terribly and wish that I could ring them up and meet them for coffee. Inside my head I miss American holidays more than I let on. Inside my head I berate myself for letting myself go but outside my head I don’t do much about it. Inside my head I despise my shape and looks and cry over the way I used to look.
Inside my head is a rather loud place. It’s a wonder I get anything done!
(This post was done in support of Josie’s Writing Workshop and is prompt #3- What have the voices in your head been saying lately? Please don’t think I’m totally mental…I don’t hear the voices ALL the time.)
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Oh you had me crying tears of recognition. See you are a great writer who effectively moved me to tears. x
Aw…you’re so sweet. We should form a support group!
Thanks, I was nervous about posting this one…don’t want people to think I’m totally mental! 
Okay, I just must say I’m almost in tears here, too! I loved the bit about missing American holidays far more than you let on because I do the same!
And btw, if you’re totally mental, then I am too. . .:/
Well, then I am in good company. Taking my mental self outside for some fresh air today.
That was a beautiful post, so honest and reflective I’m sure of how many of us feel all the time.
In my head I am always that little girl waiting for her teacher’s approval. Without a system of merit awards and certificates I am lost, constantly questioning whether I am good enough at anything.
xx
Oh wow. That’s beautifully written. And so honest. I know a lot of this. A lot. xx MM
What are you doing inside my head?!
Great post
Seems like so many of us feel the same. Why is that? Especially when we are all so obviously fabulous?
Just take comfort that so many of us can relate to how you are feeling and that you are not alone.
Beautifully written Karin, thank you for your honesty x
Thanks so much Josie…isn’t it funny that we all seem to fall into the same pattern? Maybe it’s what makes us great writers??
So many people will relate to this post. So honest and open!