I Have Not Failed
This is my gorgeous daughter when she was just hours old. She looks quite peaceful there, doesn’t she? But this was a lull in a rather rocky start together. After an overnight stay for induction at 41 weeks +5 days which led to 27 hours of non-productive labour, an Emergency Caesarian and a massive loss of blood on my part we didn’t get that DREAM BIRTH that most mothers wish for. The skin-to-skin and immediate latching on never happened. Actually, the latching on never, ever happened.
I blame so many things for our failure lack of success.
- I had copious amounts of drugs (and not the good kind) during my failure to progress labour. I was started on a Syntocinon drip and an epidural within minutes of each other and was on them for just over 12 hours. I was physically sick during labour and during delivery. Something was wrong with the drugs they were giving me as whilst on the operating table in theatre I began to feel quite a lot of things AND began moving my legs! Go figure! Apparently my subconscious wanted out of there. They topped up everything to keep me still and semi-conscious.
- My Little Miss was perfectly content to NOT feed in the first hours that we were together. Perhaps it was the drugs in her system as well but she was happy to lay there and look around. She slept off and on but was not motivated to have breakfast, lunch or tea.
- Having just had an Emergency C-section and massive blood loss, I wasn’t in the best of physical states to sit properly and feed like most women are able to. When I was finally able to get into a more upright sitting position in my bed, I was so uncomfortable and tense that there was no way I could relax which I know Little Miss felt.
- Little Miss was born the first week of June. It ended up being practically the HOTEST week of the young summer and I was ensconced in a hospital (rhymes with Schmeterborogh) with no air conditioning or climate control of any kind. I was sweaty (not only from ghastly heat and humidity but from the fluid loss of a recently delivered Mama as well), hot, sticky and uncomfortable. As I couldn’t get out of bed for the first 24 hours, I couldn’t shower or do anything to make myself happy and human. In addition to the heat, there was no fan and I was on a ward with 3 other women who had also had c-sections the same morning as I. I was in the bed the farthest from the window and the closest to the door. There was no privacy and while I kept pulling the curtains to try to maintain a bit of modesty, the midwives kept tugging them open so they could see how we were getting on. Just what I wanted in my failure and miserable state…an audience!
- I was used and abused by militant midwives, lactation consultants and various and sundry other professional trying to get me to do what I was meant to do…feed my baby. I’ve never had such manhandling of my breasts! And not the good kind! It seemed that the goal was to get Little Miss to scream, which opened her mouth wide, and then rapidly shove her little head onto my boob to get her to latch on. Does this seem like the proper tactic for successful breastfeeding? I’m thinking, no. Every few hours one of the breastfeeding militia would pop their head in, ask how I was doing (usually to a tearful response of “Not very well”) and the routine would be repeated again. I was instructed to self-express and given a tiny cup to catch anything that came out. Do you think I could even fill the bottom of this teeny, tiny cup? No! I barely had a drip coming out. They brought me a breast pump which succeeded in dragging even less out of me and giving me sore breasts and nipples. Great! Every time we tried, we failed. Little Miss got stressed and upset, I was stressed and cried and no one got any sustinance.
My poor husband, in all of this, just rubbed my back and encouraged me to do whatever was necessary to get Little Miss fed. Eventually, in despair and without breastmilk or success, I threw in the towel, broke down and asked for formula for Little Miss. She inhaled the formula and finally slept for just about the first time since she entered the world. This was on day two of her life! On the day I was due to be released, the only way they were going to let me leave the hospital was if I made a firm decision on how I was going to feed Little Miss. If I was going to try to persevere with breastfeeding, I had to stay in hospital to get help. If I was going to formula feed, I could go. I was exhausted, ill and miserable. I chose formula so we could go home and get well. I never looked back. Little Miss has been exclusively formula fed for her entire young life and is probably one of the healthiest babies I know. She has never suffered for being formula fed and I don’t regret the decision one bit. I felt a failure because I could not do what I should have been able to do for her but I have finally come to terms with that as well. I honestly don’t think I WAS meant to breastfeed Little Miss. My breasts just wouldn’t cooperate. When my “milk” finally came in about 5 days after Little Miss was born, I had about 2 days of very inflated, hard breasts, some minor dribbles and that’s it…gone. I know breastfeeding supporters would say that had I persevered and breastfed or expressed, my milk production would have been normal as it’s a “supply and demand” sort of thing, but I don’t know. I just don’t think my boobs were meant to work that way for some reason.
I finally felt like I could tell this story because of a very brave blogger called Ellie who blogs at Insomniac Mummy. She tried harder than I did and was able to breastfeed some but ultimately had to call it a day and choose to formula feed as well. What I have troubles with, in this country, is the virtually total lack of support that is present for mums who choose formula feeding for WHATEVER reason. There are laws, guidelines and regulations which prohibit the promotion of formula brands, formula feeding education and midwives/health visitors and other health professionals from sharing education about proper formula/bottle feeding practises. I believe that this had led to a severe lack of consistent information which causes a great deal of confusion in the minds of parents. How many scoops of formula to how many ounces of water? How long does the water have to be cooled for before pouring it into a sterilised bottle? Can I make up feeds ahead of time? How long can I store a feed when out and about? Does the water go in first or the formula? You get mixed messages through whichever source you turn to. If you check out the main formula manufacturers websites in the UK, you have to click through a disclaimer stating that you are taking it upon yourself to accept the information presented on the website! What’s that for? They have to state that the best form of feeding is BREASTFEEDING but if you choose to abandon what is recommended, be it on your head that you’re seeking formula education. Of course, they don’t actually SAY that last part, but it’s implied.
I just wish that there could be EQUAL education about all forms of feeding so that there isn’t a feeling of FAILURE if you can’t do what is so heavily promoted. There are breastfeeding support groups, coffee mornings and mums clubs which meet to support mums. Where are the groups for formula feeders? What if you’re a young mum who doesn’t have a wealth of information at her disposal and can’t breastfeed or chooses not to? If you over or under feed your baby you could very well bring on a trip to the hospital and endanger the life of your precious baby? When I was born, breastfeeding was frowned upon in the US. Formula feeding was the way forward. Is the tide going to turn again 10-15 years from now?
I’m not against breastfeeding, by any means. I think, if you are able to manage it and do it comfortably and happily, that’s brilliant and amazing. I hear far too many horror stories, however, of how painful it is and how they sat and cried while their baby fed! I know those women probably weren’t feeding properly or there was something else wrong but it seems to me that the feeding/bonding process should be one of pleasure and comfort versus stress and pain. I never felt a lack of bonding with Little Miss because I was holding a bottle to her mouth and not a breast. I do wish that there could be more support for those of us who chose formula feeding and that there wasn’t such a stigma attached to formula feeding today. We’re all trying to do the best for our children and while I’m more than aware that “breast is best”, it’s not possible for everyone. No new or experienced mum should ever be made to feel like they are a a failure because they’re not. They’ve just chosen differently and different is not bad…it’s just different.
It’s taken me a lot to write this post (and I know it’s a long one) as I am afraid of backlash. But I feel that it’s important to share and maybe change someone’s opinion or open someone’s eyes. I hope that comments will be kind. I have even considered starting up a website in support of formula feeding but again, am afraid of backlash or god forbid, being “shut down” for discussing such a taboo subject. Let me know your thoughts and your experiences. I’d like to know if there are other’s out there besides Ellie and myself! Thanks for listening.
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Of course you haven’t failed. You’re a devoted mum and you should be incredibly proud of all you’ve accomplished. I get so mad when I hear about the pressure being put on women to breastfeed. I chose NOT to breastfeed and that was my choice. I was very very sick when I was pregnant (with a pituitary tumour/hyperemesis) and I probably couldn’t have coped with additional pressure – as it turned out my son had to go into the SCBU anyway. And you know what? No 1 Son is nearly 6ft tall, he’s healthy and gorgeous. He has asthma but he would have had that anyway – it’s hereditary on both sides. I get so fed up with other mums looking at you askance when you say you didn’t breastfeed, like you somehow failed your child. I didn’t fail and neither did you.
great post, and i totally agree with you. there is such a lack of support for bottle fed babies. i think the idea is a good one for the website ….. just check out the legalities coz if the big guns have to put a disclsaimer on …. xx
Thanks Liz…I appreciate your support.
Thanks Mrs! I’m so happy that breastfeeding has been so successful for you!
My Wife and I ignored the breast-feeding soldiers on the maternity ward and bottle fed from the start. My wife had her reasons, and from a selfish point of view, I was glad that let me get in on the action. It is disappointing that once you make that decision then all help is taken away. Advice or tips would have been gratefully received, and may have made us realise earlier that some brands of formula can be too rich for some kids.
It’s reassuring, yet sad, that so many of us have gone through these struggles. The last thing new parents need is stress and guilt…there’s enough to worry about including how many damn scoops of formula go in. Thanks for sharing and commenting. I appreciate it
What a fab post, but you havnt failed in the slightest, I went throught a very similar experiance to you with both mini and maxi mad and was so humiliated – I even had beope trying to maually express for me – urg
I still carry the guilt with me, but it is reducing everyday. I KNOW that breast is best. I TRIED and I couldnt. It shouldt make any one a pariah, but I have been to places where I was made to feel like a bad mother for bottle feeding and I didnt want to explain to them the history nor should I have had to.
As a mum you do what is best for you and your family at that time. Well done on the post
Thanks Mrs. Madhouse…there are a fair few of us out there!
We are like birth story twins! The only difference I had was Lily had group b strep and was in SCBU for 10 days afterwards because they left the waters broken too long, There is no way when your body has been through that kind of trauma that you can do pretty much anything. Between the drugs, stress, no sleep…oh yeah and major surgery and blood loss your body isn’t going to produce much in the way of milk.
In fact as someone with child bearing breasts, as a kind friend once put it!. I was so pissed off that the bloody things I’d carried around and not had reduced in my 20s so I could breast feed didn’t actually work. Soooo annoying!
But you know what I have a very tall, very skinny, non allergic, scarily intelligent *ALIVE* 6 year old and for that I’m thankful so it’s all good in the end
x
You’re totally right…you have not failed. Your experience with the feeding side is so relatable as I had the same problems when I had my little boy…funnily enough in the 1st week of June. I just didn’t feel comfortable with all the handling of my breasts and it did seem like they were trying to get him to cry so he would open his mouth wide enough. I did keep trying but after 5 days I gave up. He was bottlefed from then and thrived. I have been able to breastfeed my little girl, almost 6 months now exclussively and still going strong however I would have no problem putting her on bottles if it stopped working for her. At the end of the day so long as your baby is getting fed and growing and thriving then it shouldn’t matter whether it’s breast or bottle. There definitely needs to be more support out there for bottle feeding parents however I have to say, when I started bottlefeeding my little boy, my midwife and health visitor were very supportive and I got a lot of sound advice from them. Great post!!
I too had a nasty labour of 54 hours and emergency c section at the end. I tried breast feeding and persevered (if that is the right word!) for 10 weeks however for most of that time I sat pinned to my chair feeding virtually evey hour of every day, expressing constantly when she wasn’t attached to me and still my little one struggled to gain weight. I cried and cried for most of the 10 weeks out of frustration, feelings of failure and wondering if this was to be my life for the foreseeable future, unable to complete even the simplest tasks as my chair became a prison cell. When I finally gave in and put little one on ‘the poison’ it was such a relief she became a contented happy baby, not crying every time I put her down and the scrawny wee thing she had become began to return to the healthy chubby baby she had been when she was born. I have very mixed emotions about the whole thing I feel a failure for not having been able to feed her myself but when I look back on the photos of her during that time they make me cringe as she was so thin and I feel guilty for not swithching sooner and putting her through it. She is now a very happy, healthy 18 month old and if I ever had another one I’m fairly convinced she would be a bottle fed baby from the word go. As much as I think breastfeeding should be encouraged bottle feeding should not become a taboo subject because of it we all have a choice in this world and should be supported whatever that choice may be.
There is a lack of proper support for women trying to breastfeed. And a traumatic labour can make it very difficult to get things established too. It annoyed me that I was never warned breastfeeding would be difficult, so when I found it difficult I blamed myself. I know exactly how you feel about the breastfeeding mafia in hospital, I wasn’t prepared for that manhandling either! My first son struggled to latch on and they had me stripping him off and splashing him with cold water to make him cry, open his mouth and feed! Almost barbaric. One midwife had me in tears a number of times. No you haven’t failed, all of us have the very best intentions for our children and do everything we can for them.
Shocking! I think that if there was a bit more of a “softly softly” approach to breastfeeding while in hospital with proper chairs and environments, the rate of success would shoot through the roof. Maybe the breastfeeding mafia should think about that as well. Thanks for your support and comments Emily!
Very well said Penny! You should blog! I too have decided that if we have another baby, I will formula feed straight away. Thanks for sharing your moving story!
Thanks Laura…I appreciate you sharing your story. And so happy for you that breastfeeding worked with your little girl! Congrats to you and well done. You’re lucky to have the support in your area as well. Thanks for commenting and sharing…;)
EXACTLY!!! I know other babies who were exclusively breastfed and have not thrived the way Little Miss has. That doesn’t mean that I disagree with the benefits of breastfeeding but it’s nice to know just how much your baby is getting and have him or her have a proper full belly. I would be interested to know if all of the trauma I/we went through DOES have an adverse effect on production of breastmilk. I was quite proud with the acquisition of breasts and then they couldn’t do a thing! Darn breasts!
Thanks for sharing Mrs…you’re a peach.
I’m a little late to the party here, but would say that trauma must have an adverse effect… I too had a long labour, hormone drips followed by emergency c-section, blood transfusion etc etc… And the Moo did not have a problem latching on – no need to make her cry to open her mouth, she was there, keen as anything, and trying to feed. So they were all very happy with me. Moo would feed away and seem to be doing really well.
Apart from no-one checked she was getting anything… until the midwife came around after we were out of hospital and noticed that Moo had lost loads of weight. She was latching on and sucking, but not getting anything. I tried expressing, lots of skin to skin etc etc, but there was no milk. Every day the midwifes and breastfeeding counsellors were saying tomorrow – it will come tomorrow. But no. And as a fellow holder of child bearing breasts, I was also disappointed!
But on day 6 it was formula or hospital, so I chose formula, but kept trying for milk for another week. And nothing. Not a drop. My pump is pristine, despite hours and hours of use. And when we decided to stop trying and just stick with the formula, everyone warned me that it would hurt when the milk came in – I’d have hard, Pammie Anderson breasts. But that never happened. And my cup size still hasn’t reduced from its enormous pregnancy size 11 months on!!!
I can only think it was the trauma. Everyone says that there is no reason why a mother cannot breastfeed. But if no milk comes, what are you supposed to do? The Moo could not have waited any longer for some decent nutrition. And whilst she’s not huge, she’s the sweetest, most robust 11 month old you could care to meet.
I too am a little late on the subject but wanted to add my experience. My little star was born by elective c-section. No trauma, all very serene and wonderful. He latched on in recovery, had exclusive skin to skin contact for the first 24hrs..perfect. But after 5 days he had lost 13% of his body weight and was severely dehydrated. It was formula or hospital. I was distraught but obviously went with formula whilst remaining determined to sort out the problem. For weeks I attended breast feeding clinics, took herbs, pumped for 40 mins every three hours, 24hours a day. Despite all this all I ever managed was to supply less than half his milk requirements up until he was weaned at 6 mths. Despite doing everything I was advised I/he always relied heavily on formula but he is a big, strong, handsome and contented little chap who really couldn’t have turned out any better. I don’t know the cause but in my mind it just isn’t possible for some people whatever they do.
Wow! How very interesting. I wonder if anyone has done a study about women who CAN’T breastfeed. You never hear about the possibility that your breasts WON’T produce milk! I really relate to your story as I totally feel that there just was nothing there from my boobs. Hmmm…you’ve made me think. Thanks for sharing your story!
It’s never too late to join the I COULDN’T BREASTFEED party. As I said in the comment above, to Bumbling…I wonder if it is possible that some breasts aren’t meant to produce milk? It sounds very much like this was the case with you too! Thanks so much for sharing and commenting and coming to the “party”.
Thanx so much for sharing your experience, I’m sure it wasn’t easy. My hospital had a much softer approach, and I had to seek support rather than have it rammed down my throat. I also struggled, but managed to persevere. However, I had to mix feed from 12 weeks because there were days when it was just obvious that I didn’t have enough milk. I too did everything on offer to increase milk supply – it’s surreal the stuff I did. I was determined to breastfeed. And still, I had to supplement with one bottle a week, on those bad evenings where she screamed for hours for hunger. She never put on a lot of weight while exclusively breastfed, as soon as we started weaning, she went up on the scales.
In the end, I’m glad I persevered, and I continued to breastfeed until almost 2 years – from weaning it was a walk in the park, it worked like magic for us. The start, and the exclusiveness of it, was a struggle. And it has taught me to never ever judge anyone on their decision to formula feed.
Thanks so much for sharing. What we put ourselves through!!! Goodness…and thanks for coming, reading and commenting.
Great post.
I completely agree that there should be unbiased support for formula feeding parents from sources other than formula manufacturers websites.
The BEST information should be available however we feed our babies.
x
You are, of course, correct Ellie…thanks for being the inspiration for this post!
Did anyone at the hospital think to mention the fact that giving birth naturally prepares the body for breast feeding… and that mothers who deliver by c-section often have delayed milk production (can take up to five or six days, as opposed to the ‘textbook’ three)??
I sat here reading your experience and in many ways it’s very similar to my own back in March 2008 when my little boy came into the world… my waters broke at 11am on a Friday morning and, because Little Monkey’s head wasn’t engaged at the time, I was kept in hospital to (I quote) “avoid exposure to infection”. I was reassured that, if labour didn’t start naturally, I would be on the labour ward for induction after 24-hours.
Saturday lunchtime came.. and went.. apparently labour ward was too busy (so I guess you could say it was bloody fortunate I hadn’t gone into full-on labour – what would they have done?!).. and the same thing happened again on the Sunday (surprise!).. by which time I had started feeling really quite rough, a bit like I was coming down with flu – very achy, cold and generally quite poorly (which I told the midwife). I couldn’t move around too much either, being strapped to the monitor most of the time.
They finally found a slot on labour ward for me and I was transferred to my new bed at around 3:30pm on Sunday. By this time I was feeling so rough and weak… I remember saying to my mum (who was with me for the birth) “I really don’t think I’m going to be able to do this, I feel too ill” – I was really scared about how on earth I’d manage to give birth and started to panic about having the induction. I was also feeling really conscious of the fact that my waters (they keep producing even after they break – something I didn’t know until it happened to me) had a peculiar smell to them (again, information I was sure to pass on to the midwives)…
At around 5pm the consultant came down to speak to me – confirming the fact that the results from the bloods they took at 10am that morning indicated I HAD in fact got an infection (explained the flu-like symptoms) which meant that baby would have contracted it too..
so, there I am around 54 hours after being admitted to hospital with broken waters, listening to a consultant explaining that baby had to come out, like, NOW – something I wasn’t going to do by myself (no sh*t) and before I knew it I was in theatre, epidural: in, baby: out
I found it disturbing that they didn’t show him to me or my mum when he was delivered – we didn’t even know he was out and in the ‘incubator/cot’ thing on the other side of the room where there was another consultant and two midwives waiting. My mum suddenly said “Kelly, he’s over there”.. I had to crane my neck to see him and for the longest minute of my life I heard nothing from him… I was so, so scared
The relief I felt when I heard him squawk was unforgettable..
Poor little mite was taken straight to theatre for a lumbar puncture to check for damage / infection.. when he was finally handed over to me I tried to feed him straight away… and was amazed that both of us seemed to get the knack pretty much straight off!
From there, my experience is pretty much as close to yours as it gets… I had to stay in hospital for a further 6 days while littlun recovered from the infection I passed on to his tiny little body (you’ll love this: the consultant had the nerve to ask me if I had been near anyone who might’ve had chickenpox, which would’ve explained the source of the infection… did he not think ‘we kept her in hospital to avoid exposure’.. hmm, go figure!
to be fair, there were a couple of nurses on the ward who weren’t afraid to support new mums who opted to feed their babies formula.. I persevered til day three when I thought my milk would come in and ‘all would be well’.. the technique was there, but not enough to keep a 9lb 15oz baby satisfied. The nurse on duty that day was one I really didn’t take to – and she subjected me to the breast pump which I tried and sat watching this tiny droplet being sucked out of my nipple – it was pathetic!! I had no idea what was meant to happen or how much should come out!
and so this turned out to be my final straw..
the battleaxe nurse snatched the pump away, flung a bottle of formula in my direction and left me to it.. leaving me feeling utterly useless
here’s the best bit.. a couple of nights later, one of the nice midwives came on shift and spent some time with me (they had sent everyone from my ward – except me – home) and SHE told me about how it’s common for milk to take longer to come in after a c-section.. she explained that the body goes into a kind-of shock – one minute it’s carrying a baby, the next: baby is quickly and rudely snatched from belly.. WTF?!
so it needs to gather it’s thoughts and re-evaluate the situation before getting back to the jobs that need doing – like supplying milk to said baby!
it all made perfect sense and, had old battlaxe nurse taken 5 minutes to sit and explain this to me, I think I would’ve soldiered on a little while longer.
So, my little boy had formula from day three. He turned two in March and is positively thriving.. he’s incredibly healthy, extremely bright (already counts 1-10 and knows around ten letters of the alphabet) and learns things so quickly – he only needs to be shown how to do something once, maybe twice before he can do it himself.
I loved reading your story.. it was so interesting to read someone’s experience to closely similar to my own!