Dear Me

Nov 30, 2009 by cafebebemama

A Writing Workshop Prompt for this week:  Write a letter to your 16 year old self!  Well, I’m going to take poetic license and just write it to myself and not limit it to 16…there’s too much to warn myself about!

Dear Karin,

I’m hoping to save you a bit of strife and stress by writing this letter.  Read it, digest it and decide how you wish to proceed.

When you’re nearly six and a half years old a major devastation will happen…you will have a BROTHER!!!  Try not to be so sad…he may be a bit mental and hyperactive but he actually turns out to be a pretty wonderful person.  Give him a break, don’t sit on him and make him scream “I Can’t BREATHE, I Can’t BREATH!!!” and maybe try to be his friend.  I know there’s a big age difference between you two but you’re all you’ve got when it comes right down to it.

Jump forward a few years…you really need to not be SUCH a perfect daughter.  You see, if you keep following the rules and never doing what some of the other kids do (drinking, smoking, staying out late, having boyfriends, kissing, etc…) you’re going to go to University when you’re 17 and go off the rails a bit.  Because you never break the rules, when you get to University and have NO ONE to answer to, you’ll go to parties, drink too much, puke, miss classes, sleep through classes when you do go and end up with 3 REALLY bad grades in your first semester that your Grade Point Average will NEVER recover from.  So maybe consider letting your hair down a bit in High School…it might save you a bit of insanity in your first year at University.

Be prepared and know that when you are living in Chicago and are working in your first job, you will get FIRED from it because you go behind your company’s back.  Don’t do it…it’s not worth it!  And when you’re moving from your 5th apartment in 18 months in your Mom’s van, WATCH OUT when you pull out of the alley…you’re going to get smashed into!  Oh, and a word about your fitness and weight when you’re 22 years old…REMEMBER what it feels like to be a normal weight and very fit…YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS WEIGHT AGAIN if you don’t heed this advice.  Yeah, sure, you worked in a Health Club so you HAD to work out…it was your job.  But keep it up…you’ll be happy you did 18 years on.

When you move to a rather horrible town called DECATUR (put a nice Southern American accent on it…urrrrr), DON’T allow that family to set you up with a man who’s name rhymes with FARTY.  He’s a horrible, horrible man who you will waste your time on for 2 years and who will make your life miserable.  He will make you think you don’t deserve better.  He will treat you badly.  He will leave you in the house you’re sharing every weekend to go home and party with his friends.  He will mistreat animals…don’t you think that might make him evil?  He is not a nice man, he has an evil family and he is an alcoholic.  Run, run, run…never take that number…don’t look back.

When you meet your friend Julie in Peoria, ask her a lot more about her brother and tell her that she should convince her brother to leave his wife before she gets a chance to do it to him and break his heart.  Tell her to tell him that there’s someone better for him who will make his life complete and she just happens to live in the US.  In fact, maybe you should go with her on a visit home to England and meet him first.  You might save yourself some time!

If you don’t take advantage of the tip above, consider going back to school to pursue that French Teaching degree a little sooner than the age of 33.  You will have more quality time with the Love of Your Life when you go to France to study for a term.  Before you go to France, try to sell everything you own in ADVANCE so you won’t have so much to sort out when you don’t come back.  And you’ll have more money up front to spend on the repeated Ferry crossings and travel to see the love of your life.  Also, beware that there will be a ridiculous snow storm during the day of your first ferry crossing which will make it VERY difficult for you to make that Ferry.  You will arrive but you’ll have a lot less stress if you manage to catch a bus to Ouistreham earlier in the day.  Seriously…do this.

You will survive the incessant paperwork and stress of applying for Visa upon Visa to live in England with the love of your life.  Don’t despair…it’s all worth it.  Consider selling your kidney in order to afford it, however.  You only need one after all.

When you return from a fab holiday in Spain, PAY ATTENTION when you are driving home from work and you won’t crash into an oncoming car and total your 1991 red Mini that you love so much.  If you don’t crash your Mini, you won’t have to take the bus into work for months on end…this is valuable advice.

Finally, know that Little Miss is not going to come out the conventional way, NO MATTER WHAT.  Arrange for an elective caesarian in advance and if you haven’t sold your kidney, do so now to afford a stay at a private hospital.  Also, know that your boobs are not going to work, NO MATTER WHAT and save yourself tears and stress and formula feed from the get go.  You’ll thank me for this later.  And even though you’ll have difficult nights in the long run, cherish the hours that you hold Little Miss while she sleeps…you’ll miss it 18 months down the line.

And one last word to you…consider NOT taking any of this advice!  I really believe that everything that happens to you from being fired in 1993 to 2009 is BECAUSE you were fired in 1993.  I believe in fate and if you don’t go through some of the crap you go through, you’ll never be rewarded with the love of your life in England and a gorgeous daughter.  You may as well listen to and follow the advice before 1993 though…that’s bang on target!  Good luck with your life Karin!  Remember…all good things come to those who wait!

What would you advise YOU to do, if you could go back?